B2.I9 

CT 


ato 


GIFT  OF 


1.V-4 


Inrurli 

I.  f.  ilmwr0ttg 


ilidjtjjan 


uffala 


utou 


trgiuta 
tanfnrtu 


nt%rn  fflaltfnrnta 
tlifnrma 

ma 


following  committee  has 
made  it  possible  to  present  this 
little  edition  to  the  fraternity: 


Irvin  C.  Louis 
Harry  M.  Wier 
Samuel  H.  Pardue 
Eric  M,  Leaf 
Andrew  M«  Strong 
William  P.  Kelley 
Walter  L,  Vieregg 
Byron  C.  Hanna 
Robert  B*  Murphey 
George  L.  Keefer 
Pierson  W«  Banning 
Paul  Stewart 
John  S.  Mitchell 
Andrew  M.  Rose 
Edward  W.  Todd 
Henry  O.  Wackerbarth 
Stannard  A.  McNeil 
James  E*  Shelton 


Compiled,  Edited  and 
Copyrighted  1914 


PIERSON   W.  BANNING 
LOS  ANOEUE:S 


PRICE:  FIFTY  CENTS 


"Delta.  Cl-sa  Press" 


FOREWARNED   IS  FOREARMED 


A  Prefatory  Word 

In  presenting  this  little  offering,  it  is  with 
the  hope  that  it  may  be  the  means  of  creat- 
ing a  closer  fellowship  among  Delta  Chis  the 
world  over,  and  particularly  those  who  may 
come  to  Los  Angeles,  and  the  Nineteenth 
Convention  of  the  Delta  Chi  Fraternity  in 
San  Francisco. 

It  has  been  our  aim  to  have  representation 
herein  from  every  chapter  in  the  fraternity. 
Such  chapters  as  do  not  have  their  quota 
have  only  themselves  to  blame,  for  every 
effort  was  made  to  obtain  their  co-operation. 
Again,  lack  of  space  is  responsible  for  not 
including  others.  The  truth  of  many  of 
these  stories  we  cannot  vouch  for. 

Doubtless  this  little  brochure  is  open  to 
varied  criticism,  but  if  it  serves  its  purpose 
and  creates  a  warmer  glow  to  the  spark  of 
loyalty  to  Delta  Chi,  its  purpose  has  been 
attained.  May  it  "Helpadelt." 

Should  anything  appear  herein  to  which 
exception  might  possibly  ^>be  t^ken,  we  trust 
that  it  may  be  overlooked!,  for  such  we  have 
tried  to  avoid.  Accept  it  in  the  light  in- 
tenderi;  a  ?mi!e  smoulders  iu  every  page. 

The  Delts  of  Los  Angeles  extend  to  you 
a  hearty  invitation  to  visit  them  when  on 
your  way  to  the  Convention.  We  feel  that 
your  visit  here  will  never  be  forgotten. 


" 


One  on  You' 


1 .  While  Robert  B.  Murphey,  of  Los  An- 
geles, was  attending  the  University,  he  be- 
came quite  chummy  with  a  Jewish  student. 
Both  were  on  friendly  terms  yet  they  spent 
much  time  in  discussions.  One  day  they 
were  talking  of  the  great  men  of  their  races, 
and  as  one  might  expect,  got  into  a  heated 
argument.  Finally,  Murphey  said: 

"Ikey,  listen.  For  every  great  Jew  you 
can  name  you  can  pull  out  one  of  my  whis- 
kers, and  for  every  great  Irishman  1  can 
name  I'll  pull  out  one  of  yours.  Is  it  a  go?" 

It  was  agreed  to.  Murphey  reached  over, 
got  hold  of  a  whisker  and  said,  ''Robert 
Emmet,"  and  pulled. 

"Moses,"  said  the  Jew,  and  pulled  one  of 
Murphey's  tenderest. 

"Dan  O'Connell,"  said  Murphey,  and  took 
another. 

"Abraham,"  said  Ikey,  helping  himself 
again. 

"Patrick  Henry,"  returned  Murphey,  with 
a  vicious  yank. 

324103 


'The  Twelve  Apostles,"  saic!  the  Jew,  tak- 
ing a  handful  of  whiskers. 

Murphey  emitted  a  roar  of  pain,  grasped 
the  Jew's  beard  and  yelled,  "The  Ancient 
Order  of  Hibernians." 


2.  William  E.  Simpson,  the  youngest 
member  of  the  Legislature  of  California,  was 
talking  with  an  acquaintance  one  day,  when 
he  was  asked: 

"Do  you  not  think  it  would  be  a  good 
thing  if  our  legislators  were  limited  to  one 
term?*' 

Simpson  avoided  committing  himself  by 
saying,  "It  would  depend  on  where  the  term 
was  to  be  served." 


3.  Roy  V.  Rhodes,  although  a  successful 
attorney,  devoted  sufficient  time  to  the  direct- 
ing of  vocal  music  to  make  a  big  name  for 
himself.  One  day  a  stranger  listening  to 
him  sing,  asked  a  somewhat  jealous  person 
why  it  was  that  he  always  shut  his  eyes  every 
time  he  had  a  high  note  to  sing. 

"Don't  you  know?"  replied  the  other. 
"Weil,  it  is  because  he  is  very  tender-hearted." 

"What's  that  got  to  do  with  it?"  carne 
the  query. 

"Everything;  he  simply  can't  bear  to  see 
how  we  suffer." 


4.      William    W.    Bride,    an    attorney,    was 
recently  visiting  some  friends  in  another  city. 
6 


The  youngster  of  the  house  one  day  said  to 
Bride: 

"Do  you  ever  see  the  President?"  for  he 
knew  that  Bride  lived  in  Washington. 

"Yes;    nearly    every    day,"    was    the    reply. 

"And  does  he  ever  see  you?"  queried  the 
inquisitive  one. 


5.  Dudley  F.  Malone,  according  to  the 
story  going  the  rounds,  was,  following  his 
appointment  as  Collector  of  the  Port  of  New 
York,  inclined  to  require  respect  shown  him 
in  his  position.  One  day  he  was  sitting  at 
his  desk  when  two  men  came  in  without 
removing  their  hats. 

Malone  looked  up  and  impaled  the  intrud- 
ers with  his  glittering  eye.  "Gentlemen,"  he 
said,  severely,  "those  who  are  visitors  to  this 
office  to  see  me  are  always  announced  and 
always  remove  their  hats." 

"Huh!"  replied  one  of  the  men;  "we  ain't 
visitors,  and  we  don't  give  a  hoot  about  see- 
ing you.  We  came  in  to  fix  the  steam 
pipes." 


6.  One  day,  James  E.  Shelton  was  seen 
by  a  client  whose  excitement  was  intense. 
Shelton  asked  him  what  the  trouble  was,  to 
which  he  replied: 

"He  called  me  a  liar,  a  scoundrel,  a  cow- 
ard and  a  thief." 

"And  which  epithet  is  it  you  object  to?" 
asked  Shelton. 

7 


7.  J.  Roy  Choate  is  an  attorney.  His 
family  runs  to  medicine.  He  and  his  brother 
often  get  into  discussions  over  the  merits 
of  their  respective  professions. 

"I  don't  say  that  all  lawyers  are  villains," 
said  his  brother,  "but  you'll  have  to  admit 
that  your  profession  doesn't  make  angels  of 
men/* 

"No,"  replied  Roy,  "you  doctors  certainly 
have  the  best  of  us  there." 


8.  William  Jennings  Bryan  surprised 
every  one  the  other  day  by  announcing  he 
had  lost  $250  the  night  before. 

"I  hope  that  you  did  not  lose  it  through 
speculation,  chief,"  said  his  secretary,  Man- 
ton  Wyvell. 

"No,  nothing  like  that,"  said  the  honor- 
able, "merely  by  talking  in  my  sleep  last 
night  without  an  audience." 


9.  Ephraim  Banning,  a  Chicago  attorney, 
is  well  known  in  patent  law  and  its  litiga- 
tion. Recently  he  had  an  unusually  peculiar 
experience.  An  artist  called  on  him  wishing 
to  get  protection  for  his  latest  masterpiece. 
When  asked  by  Banning  to  see  what  he  had, 
a  blank  piece  of  canvas  was  displayed, 
which  he  announced  was  his  masterpiece. 

"And  what  does  it  represent?"  asked  Eph- 
raim Banning. 

"That?  Why,  that  represents  the  passage 
of  the  Jews  through  the  Red  Sea." 

"I    don't   quite   see   it.      Where    is   the   Red 
Sea?"   was  Ephraim's  query. 
8 


"It  has  been  driven  back,"  replied  the 
artist. 

"And  where  are  the  Jews?*'  Ephraim 
asked. 

"They  have  crossed  over,"  explained  the 
genius. 

"And  the  Egyptians  I  don't  see  either," 
said  Ephraim. 

"They  are  coming;  they  will  be  here  di- 
rectly. That's  the  sort  of  a  painting  I  like; 
^  simple,  suggestive  and  unpretentious,"  said 
the  client. 


1  0.      Harry  H.  Barnum,  a  Chicago  lawyer, 

had  a  client,  an  old  codger  who  had  to  have 

several    suits    pending    at    one    time    in    order 

to    be    happy.       Following    the    death    of    this 

client,    several    attorneys    were    talking    about 

his  various  proceedings.      One   of   them   said: 

"The  old  gent  had  just  won  a  case  in  the 

court,    through    the    hard    work    of    Barnum, 

when  the  loser  in  a  very  combative  frame  of 

id,   exclaimed: 

Til   law  you  out  of  the  Circuit  Court.' 
"The  old  man  retorted,  Til  be  there.' 

'And    I'll    law    you    out    of    the    Supreme 
Court,'    came   the    rejoinder. 

Til  be  there,  too,'  again  replied  the  old 
man. 

"Exasperated  by  the  promptness  with 
which  the  old  man  always  replied,  he  said, 
Til  law  you  to  h — 11!' 

'My  attorney  will  be  there,'  he  snapped." 
9 


1  1 .  One  day  at  the  County  Fair,  two 
ranchers  noticed  Ingle  Carpenter,  who  wears 
a  beard.  Apparently  they  mistook  Carpenter 
for  some  public  man,  for  he  overheard  them 
say: 

"Don't  you  see  a  great  resemblance  be- 
tween  him  and  Abraham  Lincoln?" 

"I  suppose  there  is  a  resemblance,*'  re- 
plied the  other.  "Every  man  who  wears  a 
beard  thinks  he  looks  like  Lincoln,  and  every 
man  who  doesn't  thinks  he  looks  like  Wash- 
ington." 


1 2.  William  McKinley,  speaker  of  the 
House  in  Illinois,  was  one  day  coming  down 
the  State  House  steps,  when  a  man  drove 
up,  got  out,  and  said: 

"Would  you  mind  holding  my  horse  for 
a  minute,  please?" 

"Sir!      I'm  speaker  of  the  House!"   replied 

Bill. 

"Never  mind  that;  you  look  honest;  I'll 
take  a  chance,"  cames  the  reply. 


13.  Johnnie  Kuhn,  of  Brooklyn,  was  one 
evening  at  a  banquet  where  a  well-known 
priest  was  present.  Johnnie  thought  he  would 
have  some  fun  with  the  priest,  whom  he  knew 
very  well. 

"Suppose,  Father  Dennis,"  he  impressive- 
ly remarked,  "that  all  the  priests  and  old 
Satan  were  to  have  a  lawsuit,  which  do  you 
think  would  win?" 

10 


"No  question  could  be  more  easily  an- 
swered," came  the  prompt  reply  of  the 
priest.  "Old  Satan  would  win,  most  as- 
suredly !*' 

"You  don't  really  mean  it,"  replied  John- 
nie. "Why  are  you  so  positive?" 

"Because,"  came  the  smiling  rejoiner  of 
the  priest,  "he  would  have  all  the  lawyers  on 
his  side." 


1  4.  Johnnie  Hill,  at  one  time  private  sec- 
retary of  the  chief  of  police  of  Los  Angeles, 
was  one  day  given  charge  of  entertaining  a 
Texas  sheriff  who  had  come  to  headquarters 
to  get  a  prisoner  to  take  back  with  him. 
There  was  half  a  day  to  spend  before  leaving 
for  home.  Johnnie  decided  to  show  him 
through  the  bad  part  of  town.  In  one  place 
they  saw  a  number  of  "dips."  After  a  few 
moments,  Johnnie  called  one  of  the  crooks 
to  him,  and  said : 

"See    that    tall    man    with    the    sombrero?" 

"Yes;  what  about  him?"  he  asked. 

"He's  a  Texas  bull  I'm  showing  around  and 
I  think  it  would  be  a  fine  thing  if  you  could 
nick  him  for  his  ticker,"  said  Johnnie. 

"Nix;  you're  trying  to  put  me  in  bad," 
said  the  crook. 

"Nothing  like  that;  purely  a  joke,  that's 
all.  To  show  you  I'm  on  the  level,  I  give 
you  my  word  that  you  won't  get  in  trouble 
and  I'll  give  you  five  dollars  for  his  watch," 
urged  Johnnie. 

"Is  that  so?" 

11 


"Yes,"   he   replied. 
"Well    then,    here    it    is." 


15.  They  are  telling  the  following  on 
Clifton  E.  Brooks,  an  attorney  of  Oakland. 
One  day  Cliff  was  waiting  on  a  corner  for  a 
car.  Two  men  passed  him,  when  one  said 
to  the  other: 

"Who  is  that  distinguished  looking  man?" 
"Oh!     that's     Clifton     Brooks,     founder,     I 
think,    of   the    movement    to    maintain    public 
cuspidors  at  all  street  crossings." 


1 6.  Myron  Westover,  deputy  city  attor- 
ney of  Los  Angeles,  tells  one  on  himself. 
When  he  first  began  the  practice  of  law, 
things  didn't  go  as  smoothly  as  might  have 
been  wished.  So  one  day,  having  time  to 
spare,  he  decided  to  go  out  for  awhile,  and 
placed  the  following  card  on  his  door: 

"Will    return   in   one  hour.*' 

Upon  his  return  he  found  written  under 
his  notice: 

"What   for?" 


1  7.  Erie  Leaf,  an  attorney  of  Los  Ange- 
les, was  cross-examining  a  witness  one  day. 
He  said  to  the  witness: 

"Don't  you  know  the  difference  between 
a  horse  and  a  mule?" 

"Well,    sir,"    replied   the  witness,    "I  would 
never   take   you   for   a    horse." 
12 


1 8.  Dave  Stansbury,  assistant  United 
States  district  attorney  of  Chicago,  will  never 
forget  this.  One  day  Dave  chanced  to  be 
present  at  an  execution  in  Chicago.  The 
scene  was  a  solemn  one.  The  sheriff,  be- 
fore adjusting  the  noose,  asked  the  con- 
demned man  if  he  had  anything  to  say. 

"No,"  said  the  poor  fellow,  clearing  his 
throat.  "No,  I  don't  believe  there's  any  re- 
mark that  f* 

Here  Dave  shouted  cheerfully  and  eagerly 
from  the  crowd,  "Say,  Jake,  if  you  haven't 
anything  to  say,  I  wish  you'd  give  me  about 
fifteen  minutes  of  your  time,  old  man,  just 
to  let  me  tell  these  good  folks  gathered  here 
that  I  am  candidate  for  their  suffrage,  and 
to  lay  before  them  some  reasons  why  " 

"Wait!"  exclaimed  the  condemned  man. 
"Wait!  is  that  Dave  Stansbury  *s  voice  I 
hear?" 

"Yes,   sure,"   came  from  the  crowd. 

"I  thought  so.  Well,  he  can  have  my 
time.  He  can  have  all  of  it.  But  go  ahea.d 
and  hang  me  first — and  let  Dave  talk  after- 
wards." 


1  9.  Andy  M.  Strong,  attorney,  dropped  in 
to  see  a  lawyer  whom  he  knew  had  raised 
a  certain  point  in  a  case  similar  to  one  he 
had  just  received.  He  went  in,  and  follow- 
ing preliminaries,  asked  his  advice  on  a  point 
of  law.  The  lawyer  said: 

"I  generally  get  paid  for  what  I  know." 
Strong  thereupon   took   half  a   dollar  from 
his    pocket,    handed    it    to    the    man,    and    re- 
marked: 

13 


'Tell   me   all  you   know,   and   give   me   the 
change." 


20.  Major  John  V.  Clinnin,  of  Chicago, 
one  day  following  an  unusually  hot  attack  on 
him  in  one  of  the  papers  fighting  him  in  a 
recent  campaign,  went  to  see  the  editor. 

"Look  here!"  yelled  Clinnin,  waving  his 
hands  high  in  the  air.  "What  do  you  mean 
by  printing  all  that  stuff  about  me?" 

"What's  the  matter  with  it?"  calmly 
queried  the  editor,  glancing  up  from  his  work. 

"What's  the  matter!"  heatedly  cried  the 
perturbed  Clinnin.  "Why,  it's  all  a  lie,  and 
you  know  it." 

'"Well  then,  what  are  you  kicking  about?'* 
smilingly  responded  the  editor.  "Suppose  we 
had  told  the  truth  about  you?" 


21.  Judge  W.  W.  Bardwell,  of  Minneapo- 
lis, became  quite  provoked  recently  at  a 
Swede  on  the  witness  stand. 

"What's  your  name?"   asked  the  Judge. 

"Yon  Yonson,"  was  the  reply. 

"Are  you  married?"  asked  the  Judge. 

"Yah,"    came   the  answer. 

"Whom  did  you  marry?"  asked  the  Judge. 

"I  married  a  woman,"  answered  the  Swede. 

Judge  Bardwell  got  hot  under  the  collar 
and  said,  "Did  you  ever  hear  of  anybody 
marrying  anybody  but  a  woman?" 

"Yah,  my  sister;  she  married  a  man,"  an- 
swered the  Swede. 

14 


22.  Thomas  E.  Ellis  runs  a  hotel  at  the 
hot  springs  at  Elsincre,  California.  One  day 
one  ct  the  characters  of  the  town  came  into 
the  bar  room.  The  barkeeper  took  by  mis- 
take from  under  the  bar  a  bottle  of  sul- 
phuric acid,  which  he  served  to  the  man,  and 
didn't  discover  his  error  until  he  had  gulped 
it  down  and  gone  away.  He  instantly  re- 
ported it  to  Ellis. 

Poor  Ellis  didn't  do  much  sleeping  that 
night,  and  when  the  sun  rose  the  next  morn- 
ing he  looked  haggard  and  worn.  But  great- 
ly to  his  relief  the  man  about  whom  he 
was  worrying  soon  made  his  appearance. 

"By  the  way,  Dave,"  he  said,  now  sweetly 
smiling,  "what  did  you  think  of  the  new 
brand  you  got  here  last  night>" 

"Best  warming  stuff  that  I  ever  tasted," 
answered  Dave,  "but  it  had  one  fault.  Every 
time  that  I  coughed,  darned  if  it  didn't  set 
my  whiskers  on  fire." 


23.  Some  men  are  not  only  clever  law- 
yers but  their  cleverness  crops  out  in  other 
ways  as  well.  Here  is  a  case.  Irvin  Louis, 
of  Los  Angeles,  lives  in  one  of  the  nearby 
suburbs.  He  is  a  fancier  of  chickens  and 
other  things.  Some  time  ago  he  had  much 
trouble  with  a  big  gartersnake  that  robbed 
his  hens  of  eggs.  He  never  could  catch  it, 
so  set  his  wits  to  work  and  did  as  follows: 

He  built  a  tight  board  fence  around  his 
chicken  yard  and  saw  to  it  that  there  was 
not  a  hole  in  it  through  which  the  cnake 
eould  enter. 

15 


Then  he  laid  a  trap  for  the  snake.  He 
bored  a  hole  through  the  fence  just  large 
enough  to  allow  the  passage  of  the  reptile. 
He  placed  an  egg  on  the  outside  of  the  fence 
and  another  on  the  inside,  both  close  to  the 
hole. 

Along  saunters  Mr,  Snake;  encountering 
the  first  egg,  it  was  promptly  swallowed. 
Then  the  snake  entering  the  hole  spied  the 
other  egg.  This  he  also  swallowed.  "Pretty 
soft,"  mused  his  snakeship. 

But  when  the  snake  started  forward,  the 
first  egg  he  had  swallowed  halted  him.  When 
he  tried  to  back  out,  the  second  egg  pre- 
vented. In  the  morning,  Louis  came  out  and 
ended  his  troubles. 


24.  Mark  H.  Irish,  who  does  a  big  in- 
surance business  in  Toronto,  tells  a  rather 
good  one  that  happened  recently  while  try- 
ing to  sell  fire  insurance. 

"Do  I  understand  that  for  five  dollars  I 
can  insure  my  house  for  $1000?"  said  the 
man,  after  listening  to  the  proposition. 

"Yes,  sir.  If  your  house  burns  down  we 
pay  you  $1  000." 

"And  do  you  make  any  inquiries  as  to  the 
origin  of  the  fire?" 

"We  make  a  most  careful  inquiry,  sir." 

"Ah!  I  thought  there  was  a  catch  in  it 
somewhere." 


25.      Victor  B.  Bouton,  of  Smethport,  Penn- 
sylvania,   one    day    said,    as    impressively    as 
16 


he  could  to  his  son,  "My  son,  suppose  I 
should  be  taken  away  suddenly,  what  would 
become  of  you?" 

"Why,**  said  the  son,  irreverently,  "I'd  stay 
here,  the  question  is,  what  would  become 
of  you?*' 


26.  Frank  J.  Baum,  the  advertising  man 
and  play  writer  of  Los  Angeles,  has  had 
many  experiences.  Frank  is  clever  in  almost 
any  circumstance.  Once  when  he  was  on 
his  uppers  and  beating  it  to  Chicago,  he 
picked  up  a  stray  dog  of  considerable  intel- 
ligence. Frank  soon  found  that  the  dog 
knew  several  tricks,  and  taught  him  others. 

Likewise  Baum  is  exceedingly  accomplish- 
ed as  a  ventriloquist,  and  often  entertained 
the  people  along  the  way  by  making  it  ap- 
pear that  the  dog  could  talk. 

One  day,  after  much  hard  work,  he  ar- 
rived at  a  town  and  went  to  a  bar  to  see  if 
he  couldn't  negotiate  something  without  the 
use  of  coin.  The  proprietor  said: 

"Well,   what'Il   you   have?" 

Frank  replied,  "I'll  take  a  little  whiskey." 
Then  turning  to  the  dog,  he  said,  "And  what 
•will  you  have?"  The  answer  came  promptly: 
"I'll  have  a  ham  sandwich." 

The  proprietor  was  so  surprised  he  almost 
fainted.  Looking  at  the  dog  a  moment,  he 
said: 

"What   did  you   say?" 

"I  said,  I'll  take  a  ham  sandwich,"  came 
the  dog's  answer. 

17 


The  proprietor  thought  it  wonderful  that 
the  dog  could  speak,  and  asked  who  had 
trained  him,  and  how  long  it  had  taken,  and 
wound  up  with: 

"How  much  will  you  take  for  him?" 

"Oh,"  replied  Baum,  "1  wouldn't  sell  him 
at  any  price;  but  I  am  a  little  hard  up  and 
if  you  will  lend  me  $50  I  will  leave  him  with 
you  as  security  until  I  bring  the  money 
back." 

"All  right,"  the  man  answered.  "I  just 
want  him  for  a  little  while  so  1  can  show 
him  to  some  people  I  know  around  here." 

Everything  was  settled,  the  money  paid, 
the  dog  left  with  the  proprietor,  and  as  Baum 
went  out  he  turned  and  waved  his  hand  at 
the  dog  and  said: 

"Well,  good-bye,  Jack.  I'll  come  back 
soon." 

The  dog  looked  at  Baum  a  moment,  then 
said: 

"You  mean,  dispicable  man,  to  sell  me  for 
$50  after  all  I've  done  for  you!  So  help 
me  Moses,  I'll  never  speak  another  word  as 
long  as  I  live."  And  he  didn't. 


27.  Arthur  D.  Cloud,  of  Chicago,  who 
for  a  long  time  published  one  of  the  biggest 
railroad  magazines  in  this  country,  was  call- 
ing on  a  man  in  a  nearby  city.  This  man 
as  a  hobby  spent  much  time  acting  as  a  prison 
missionary.  Art  was  asked  to  go  through 
the  jail  with  him. 

"We  are   starting  a   circulating   library   for 

18 


ihe  use  of  the  inmates,"  said  his  friend,  ad- 
dressing one  of  the  inmates.  "Is  there  any- 
thing in  particular  you'd  like  to  make  use 
of?" 

Just  then  the  jailer  called  Art's  friend 
aside.  The  prisoner,  thinking  Art  was  also 
interested  in  the  circulating  library  plan,  said 
to  h'm:  "Why,  yes;  if  I  could  only  use  it 
right,  I'd  like  to  see  a  railway  guide." 


28.  Paul  Stewart  is  still  unmarried.  We 
don't  believe  the  following  about  him, 
though  they  claim  there  is  some  ground  for 
it.  He  had  a  bad  case  on  a  fair  lass.  One 
evening  after  a  long  period  of  silence,  he 
said: 

"Maggie,  wasna  I  here  on  the  Sawbath 
nicht?" 

"Aye,   Paul,   I  daur  say  you  were." 

"An*   wasna   I  here  on   Monday  nicht?" 

"Aye,    so   you   were." 

"An*  I  was  here  on  Tuesday  nicht,  an* 
Wednesday  nicht,  an*  Thursday  nicht,  an* 
Friday  nicht?" 

"Aye,  I'm  thinkin'  that's  so." 

"An*  this  is  Saturday  nicht,  an*  I'm  here 
again." 

"Well,  what  for  no?  I'm  sure  you're  very 
welcome." 

Paul,  desperately,  "Maggie,  woman,  dae  ye 
no  smell  a  rat?" 


29.      Thomas  M.  Crane,  of  Chicago,   is  an 
undertaker.     One  day  he  answered  the  phone. 
This  is  what  was  said: 
19 


"I  want  a  box  tomorrow  night,"  said  the 
man's  voice. 

"All  right,  sir,  what  size?"  was  Crane's 
reply. 

"Oh,  there'll  be  quite  a  party  of  us  in  it; 
perhaps  six,"  he  said. 

"Six!  I'm  afraid  I'll  have  to  make  it  spe- 
cial, sir!  They  never  come  bigger  than  for 
one,  you  know,"  said  Crane. 

"What  are  you  talking  about?  Isn't  this 
the  Majestic  Theatre?"  shouted  the  voice. 

"No,    sir;    this   is    Crane,    the    undertaker." 


30.  Fletcher  Bowron  is  one  of  Hearst's 
star  reporters  on  his  Los  Angeles  "Exam- 
iner." Like  other  reporters,  he  has  had  to 
make  a  start,  \vhich  he  did  in  a  school  of 
journalism.  Part  of  the  practical  work  in 
this  school  was  to  do  reporting.  Shortly 
after  he  began  to  report,  he  was  hastily  sent 
to  "cover"  a  railroad  wreck  in  a  nearby 
town. 

It  was  getting  almost  time  for  the  paper 
to  go  to  press  and  no  word  had  come  from 
Bowron.  In  desperation  the  dean  of  the 
school  telegraphed  to  ask  why  the  story  was 
not  forthcoming.  Fletch  replied: 

"Too  much  excitement.  Wait  till  things 
quiet  down  a  bit." 


31.      Dr.  Arthur  M.  Wright,  of  New  York 
City,  tells  a  good  one  on  himself.      One  sum- 
mer  he   went   back   into   the    country   on   his 
20 


vacation.  While  there,  an  epidemic  broke 
out  in  the  neighborhood.  He  was  called  upon 
to  assist,  which  he  did  until  so  tired  he 
couldn't  hold  his  head  up.  He  had  just  re- 
tired and  fallen  asleep  when  a  neighbor 
aroused  him,  stating  that  a  woman  half  a 
mile  from  there  was  dying  of  heart  trouble, 
and  he  must  go. 

Dr.  Wright  got  up  and  went  to  the  house 
where  the  patient,  a  very  stout  woman,  was 
in  bed,  breathing  stentorously.  He  couldn't 
find  anything  wrong,  but  the  woman  was 
panicky. 

"Cough,"  he  ordered.  She  could  not.  Then 
he  put  his  ear  over  her  heart  and  said,  "count 
slowly." 

The  next  thing  he  knew,  he  awoke  only 
to  hear  the  woman  counting  faintly:  "Ten 
thousand  and  forty-seven,  ten  thousand  and 
forty-eight." 


32.  Arthur  F.  Quigley  is  in  one  of  the 
New  York  banks.  One  day  an  acquaintance 
said: 

"Say,  isn't  Higgley,  the  banker,  a  relative 
of  yours?" 

"Yes,  he's  a  cousin,"  said  Quigley,  "about 
$4,000,000  removed." 


33.  George  E.  Buck  has  a  collection  bus- 
iness in  Syracuse.  Every  one  has  his  expe- 
riences. Buck  tells  of  a  little  "jolly"  that 
has  done  wonders.  Here  it  is: 

*'Sir,  if  you  pay  the  enclosed,  you  will 
21 


oblige   me;   if   you    do   not,    I   will   oblige   you 
to." 


34.  Harry  A.   Curtis,   who  handles  insur- 
ance  in   Chicago,   tells   the   following: 

"Greenberg  had  taken  out  a  policy  on  his 
stock  of  goods.  Three  hours  after,  it  was 
consumed  by  fire.  Finding  no  grounds  upon 
which  to  refuse  payment,  the  company  sent 
him  a  check  with  the  following  letter: 

*'We  note  that  your  policy  was  issued  at 
noon  on  Thursday  and  the  fire  did  not  take 
place  until  three  o'clock  the  same  day.  Why 
this  delay?" 

35.  Francis   H.    Bolarid,    of   Los   Angeles, 
attorney,    was    called    upon    one    day    by    an 
artist    who    wished    him    to    collect    a    bill    for 
work  done  in  a  church.     After  corresponding 
with    the   officials   of   the    church,    he    learned 
that    they    had    demanded    an    itemized    state- 
ment,  which   had  been   refused.      The  follow- 
ing is  the  bill  in  detail  which  the  artist  fur- 
nished Boland  in  settling  the  account: 

Correcting  the  Ten  Commandments. ...       7. 1  0 
Embellishing    Pontius    Pilate    and    put- 
ting new  ribbons  on  his  bonnet 3.02 

Putting  new  tail   on  the   rooster  of  St. 

Peter  4. 1  8 

Reguilcling   left   wing   of   Guardian   An 

gel 2.02 

Washing  the  servant  of  the  High  Priest 

and   putting   carmine   on   his   cheeks      3.10 

Adjusting  stars  .„ 2.06 

Renewing    Heaven    1.00 

Cleaning  moon 10 

22 


Restoring  lost  souls 25.00 

Rebordering   the    robes    of    Herod,    ad- 
justing   his    wig 2.43 

Cleaning  Balaam's  ass  and  putting  new 

shoes    on    him.... 5.06 

Putting  ear-rings  in  Sarah's  ears 20.00 

Putting  new  stone  in  David's  sling 1.10 

Enlarging  the  head  of  Goliath 1.03 

Extending    Saul's    leg 2.05 

Decorating     Noah's     Ark 6.50 

Brightening  up  the  flames  of  hell 60 

Mending  the  shirt  of  the  Prodigal  Son..  6.35 

Putting  new  tail  on  the  Devil 1.50 

Putting  silver  coin  over  the  poor  box 80 

Doing  several  odd  jobs  for  the  damned  5.00 


$100.00 


36.  Charles  F.  Hartigan,  colonel  in  the 
Philippine  army,  sees  the  funny  side  of 
things.  It  seems  that  he  was  expected  to 
make  his  appearance  for  inspection  of  the 
post.  In  preparation  for  this,  orders  went 
flying  to  all  parts. 

"Now  look  out  for  the  colonel,  because 
he's  corning  to  inspect  the  post,"  said  the 
sergeant,  as  he  marched  off  leaving  O'Brien 
doing  his  first  outpost  duty. 

Very  full  of  his  own  importance  and  re- 
sponsibility, O'Brien  took  his  stand.  After 
an  hour  the  sergeant  returned. 

"Colonel  been  here  yet?"  he  asked. 

Receiving   an   answer   in    the    negative,    the 
sergeant   went   away,    and    returned   an    hour 
later    with    the    same    inquiry. 
23 


At  last  the  colonel  did  appear,  and  O'Brien, 
in  his  relief  at  seeing  some  one  after  his 
long  vigil,  forgot  all  about  his  instructions, 

"Do  you  know  who  I  am?"  sternly  asked 
Colonel  Hartigan,  having  noticed  that  the 
private  had  failed  to  salute. 

"Sure,  an'  1  don't  at  all!"  answered  the 
grinning  recruit. 

"I'm   the   colonel!"   said   Hartigan, 

"Begorra,  you'll  catch  it  then!"  remarked 
Erin's  son.  "The  sergeant's  been  asking  for 
ye  twice  already!" 


37.  Harry  A  Shinnick  is  a  missionary, 
though  young  in  years.  He  was  back  in 
Washington,  D.  C.,  after  some  time  spent 
performing  his  duties.  He  had  nothing  to 
complain  of  at  the  hotel,  other  than  that  they 
didn't  have  sauces  sufficiently  hot  for  him. 
His  forethought  had  made  him  provide  him- 
self with  the  same  before  leaving  for  home. 
He  arranged  with  the  waiter  to  have  his  own 
sauce  served  at  his  table.  One  day  another 
guest  noticed  the  appetizing  bottle  on  Harry's 
table  and  asked  the  waiter  to  give  him  some 
of  it. 

"I'm  sorry,  sir,"  said  the  waiter,  "but  that 
is  the  private  property  of  that  gentleman." 

Shinnick  overheard  the  request,  and  hav- 
ing noticed  the  man  on  numerous  occasions, 
told  the  waiter  to  hand  it  to  him.  The 
stranger  poured  some  of  it  on  his  meat  and 
then  'took  a  liberal  mouthful.  After  a  mo- 
ment he  turned  v/ith  tears  in  his  eyes  to 
Harry. 

24 


"You  are  a  minister  of  the  Gospel,  I  un- 
derstand," he  said. 

"Yes  sir,"   Harry   replied. 

"And  you  preach  the  doctrine  of  ever- 
lasting fire?"  he  ventured. 

"Yes,"    admitted   Harry. 

"Well,  you're  the  first  minister  I  ever  saw 
who  carried  samples  with  him." 


38.  Henry  S.  Henschen,  a  Chicago  bank- 
er, tells  this  little  experience:  A  woman 
came  to  his  window  one  day  and  shoved  a 
check  through  without  saying  a  word. 

"You  will  have  to  get  someone  to  intro- 
duce you  before  1  can  cash  this  check  for 
you,"  I  said. 

"Sir,"  she  answered,  haughtily,  "I  am 
here  on  business  and  not  making  a  social 
call.  I  do  not  care  to  know  you." 


39.  Milton  E.  Cornelius  of  Los  Angeles 
is  known  as  a  hustler  in  everything  he  takes 
an  interest.  It  is  reported  that  when  he  was 
first  graduated  from  the  University  he  opened 
a  real  estate  office  on  a  tract  of  booming 
city  lots.  For  days  he  sat  there  undisturbed 
looking  out  into  the  road  and  twiddling  his 
thumbs.  On  the  afternoon  of  the  fourth  day 
he  saw  a  man  heading  for  his  door  from 
across  the  boulevard.  Surely  he  was  a  cus- 
tomer. He  must  be  made  to  feel  that  busi- 
ness was  flourishing. 

As  the  man  stepped  over  the  threshold 
Milton  held  the  receiver  of  the  telephone  at 
his  ear  and  was  talking  earnestly  into  the 
transmitter. 

25 


"That's  correct,"  he  said  as  the  man  stood 
before  him.  "Right;  we  will  accept  your 
$15,000  cash  tomorrow  and  let  the  $30,000 
remainder  stand  on  a  ten-year  mortgage. 
What?  Yes.  I'll  bring  the  deed  around  at 
eleven  o'clock  tomorrow  morning.  Good 
bye." 

Cornelius  hung  up  the  receiver  and  turned 
an  important  visage  to  the  visitor.  "Now, 
sir,"  he  said,  "what  can  I  do  for  you?" 

"Why,  1  just  came  over,"  said  the  man, 
grinning,  "to  connect  your  telephone  instru- 
ment to  the  wires." 


40.      Abram    H.    Foster    is    an    enthusiastic 

"Progressive."      Some  of  his  friends  of  other 

political  persuasions  "kid"   him  a  little.      One 

day  one  said  to  another  in  Foster's  presence: 

"Is  Foster  on  the  Roosevelt  band  wagon?" 

"It's   hardly   a   band   wagon;   just   a    rnouth 

organ,"    replied   the    other. 


4 1 .  Ray  E.  Nimmo,  when  Prosecuting 
Attorney  for  Los  Angeles,  had  an  auto  acci- 
dent one  day  and  was  pinned  under  the  car, 
though  luckily  for  him  without  any  serious 
harm.  Hardly  had  it  happened  when  a  man 
ran  up  to  the  machine  and  seeing  Nimmo, 
said: 

"What's   happened?" 

"Get  a   doctor,"   Nimmo   shouted. 

"Did  the  train  hit  you?"  asked  the  man. 

"Yes,  Yes;  get  a  doctor,  quick  I"  shouted 
Ray. 

26 


"Has  the  claim  agent  been  here  yet?" 
asked  the  man. 

"No!  No!  Please  get  a  doctor,"  pleaded 
Ray. 

"Move  over  there,  you,"  said  the  man, 
"till  I  lie  down  with  you." 


42.  Victor  O.  Geoffrion  of  Los  Angeles 
is  an  excellent  musician.  One  day  he  dropped 
into  a  new  music  store  where  he  was  un- 
known and  asked  to  be  shown  a  violin.  The 
dealer  said,  "Come  this  way,  please." 

"Yes,"  said  the  dealer,  "this  instrument 
is  of  historical  interest;  this  is  the  i-dentical 
fiddle  Nero  played  while  Rome  was  burning." 

"Oh,  that's  a  myth,"   said  Geoflfrion. 

The  dealer  agreed,  saying:  "Yes,  it  is; 
and  Myth's  name  was  on  it,  but  it  has  gotten 
worn  off." 


43.  George  N.  Lindsey  is  in  the  New 
York  banking  world.  One  day  while  busy 
a  stranger  entered  the  bank  and  approached 
him. 

"I  want  to  make  a   deposit,"   he  said. 

Lindsey  looked  around  cautiously  and 
when  he  spoke  his  voice  had  dropped  to  a 
whisper.  "Savings,  commercial  or  political?" 
he  asked. 


44.      Police    Judge    Thomas    P.     White    of 
Los    Angeles    had    the    tables    turned    on    him 
one   day  in   court.      An   Irishman  *who   was  a 
27 


witness  was  being  examined  as  to  his  knowl- 
edge of  a  shooting  affair. 

"Did  you  see  the  shot  fired?"  asked  Judge 
White. 

"No,  soir;  I  only  heard  it,"  came  the  reply. 

"That  evidence  is  not  satisfactory,"  replied 
Judge  White,  sternly.  "Step  down." 

The  witness  proceeded  to  leave  the  box 
and  directly  his  back  was  turned  he  laughed 
derisively. 

Judge  White,  indignant  at  this  contempt  of 
court,  asked  him  sharply  how  he  dared  laugh 
in  court. 

"Did  you  see  rne  laugh,  your  honor?"  said 
the  Irishman. 

"No,  but  I  heard  you,"  replied  Judge 
White. 

"That  evidence  is  not  satisfactory,"  said 
the  Irishman  with  a  twinkle  in  his  eye  that 
caused  everybody  to  laugh  except  Tom. 


45.  William  W.  Widenham  sells  insurance 
in  and  around  Los  Angeles.  One  day  he  sold 
fire  insurance  to  a  rancher,  covering  his  va- 
rious buildings.  In  time  a  fire  destroyed  one 
building.  After  investigation  the  insurance 
company  decided  to  take  advantage  of  the 
option  in  the  contract  and  rebuilt  the  barn 
again  for  him.  A  short  time  afterwards  he 
tried  to  sell  him  some  life  insurance,  in  favor 
of  his  wife. 

"Oh,  no!"  he  said.  "You  don't  catch  me 
a  second  time.  If  I'd  die  you  would  come 
around  here  and  offer  to  get  her  a  new  hus- 
band." 

28 


46.  Rev.  John  N.  Rentfro  of  Austin, 
Texas,  finds  the  world  enjoys  a  joke  even  if 
on  a  minister.  One  day  he  was  stopped  by 
a  small  boy  on  the  street,  who  asked  him 
what  time  it  was.  Now  the  weather  was 
nasty  and  wet,  and  he  was  nicely  bundled 
up  to  keep  his  best  suit  from  being  damaged, 
and  with  it  all  he  was  in  a  great  hurry  to 
reach  a  wedding  at  which  he  was  to  officiate. 
After  considerable  difficulty  he  unbuttoned 
his  effects  and  reaching  way  inside  he  brought 
out  his  watch  and  told  the  boy  it  was  exactly 
half  past  five. 

"Well,"  said  the  boy,  setting  his  feet  for 
a  good  start,  "at  'alf  past  six,  go  to  hell!" 
and  was  off  like  a  flash  around  the  corner. 

This  was  too  much  for  his  Reverence,  and 
flushed  and  furious  his  watch  dangling  by 
the  chain,  he  floundered  along  after  him. 
But  as  he  rounded  the  corner  he  ran  plump 
into  the  outstretched  arms  of  the  venerable 
Bishop  of  Austin. 

"Rentfro  I  Rentfro!"  remonstrated  that 
surprised  dignitary.  "Why  this  unseemly 
haste?" 

Puffing,  blowing,  sputtering,  the  outraged 
Rentfro  gasped  out:  "That  young  raga- 

mufrian — I    told    him    it   was    half   past    five 

and    he er — told    me    to    go    to    hell    at    half 

past   six!" 

"Oh,  yes,  yes,"  said  the  Bishop  with  a 
suspicion  of  a  twinkle  in  his  kindly  eyes, 
"but  why  such  haste?  You've  got  almost  an 
hour." 


47.      Every    young    lawyer    has    something 
29 


up  his  sleeve  in  the  line  of  experience.  Sam- 
uel H.  Pardue,  now  a  successful  attorney, 
had  his  as  well.  He  was  defending  a  crim- 
inal and  in  doing  so  was  making  his  first 
appearance  in  court. 

"The  unfortunate  client  for  whom  it  is 
my  privilege  to  appear,"  he  said,  his  tongue 
and  lips  dry  and  thick;  "the  unfortunate 
client,  Your  Honor,  whom  I  am  defending 
— Ahem,  ahem!  I  will  repeat.  Your  Honor, 
the  unfortunate  man  whom  I  here  represent 
— I  might  say,  this  most  miserable  and  un- 
fortunate man." 

Just  then  the  Judge  leaned  forward  and 
said  in  a  soft  and  encouraging  manner: 

"You  may  proceed,  sir;  so  far  the  court 
is  with  you." 


48.  One  of  the  best  mixers  in  the  fra- 
ternity is  George  W.  Dryer.  He  is  not  only 
popular  in  social  life  but  is  one  of  the  1 
ing  spirits  in  and  president  of  the  University 
Club  of  Los  Angeles.  One  evening  Dryer 
had  been  invited  out  to  a  somewhat  elaborate 
dinner,  being  the  guest  of  honor.  About  the 
time  the  dinner  was  coming  to  a  close  he 
suddenly  spoke  up,  saying:  "1  feel  it  com- 
ing on!" 

The  suddenness  of  his  speech  and  manner 
frightened  everyone. 

"What    has    happened,    Mr.    Dryer?"    they 
all   asked   at  once. 

"Why,  I  have  had  a  stroke  in  my  right  leg 
and   it   is  helpless,"    he   said. 

"That  can't  be!     Impossible!     You   must  be 
30 


mistaken/'  they  said  as  they  began  to  rise 
to  help  him. 

"But  it  is  so.  I  have  been  pinching  it  for 
the  last  five  minutes  and  there  is  not  a  bit  of 
feeling  in  it,"  said  Dryer. 

"Mr.  Dryer,"  said  the  lady  next  to  him  as 
she  blushed  deeply,  "you  have  been  pinching 
my  leg,  not  yours." 


49.  Judge  Sidney  N.  Reeve  of  Los  An- 
geles tells  many  a  good  story  relating  to  his 
work  on  the  bench.  He  tells  about  a  char- 
acter known  all  over  the  city.  One  day  he 
was  brought  before  him  on  a  charge  of  lar- 
ceny. After  hearing  the  testimony  of  the 
witnesses,  who  stated  that  they  had  seen  Pat 
take  the  goods,  Judge  Reeve  said: 

"Well,  Pat,  I  think  I  shall  have  to  judge 
you  guilty." 

"And  what  makes  you  think  thot?"  Pat 
asked. 

"These  two  men  say  that  they  saw  you 
do  the  stealing,"  said  Sid. 

"And  is  that  the  evidence?"  asked  Pat. 

"It  is,"    said  Sid. 

"Sure  thin,  Your  Honor,  everything  is 
aisy  with  me  thin,  for  begorra  I  can  bring  in 
two  hundred  min  who  will  swear  that  they 
didn't  see  me  do  it." 


50.  N.  Perry  Moerdyke  of  Los  Angeles 
was  cross-examining  a  young  woman  witness 
one  day. 

"How  old  are  you?"  he  asked. 

The  young  woman  hesitated. 
31 


"Don't    hesitate,"    said    Moerdyke.       "The 
longer  you   hesitate   the   older  you   are." 


5 1 .  George  B.  Bush,  lawyer  for  the  in- 
dependent California  oil  interests,  with  offices 
in  Riverside,  Los  Angeles,  Bakersfield,  Sacra- 
mento and  San  Francisco,  all  in  said  State 
of  California  (and  first  "Traveling  General 
Counsel"  of  the  Delta  Chi  fraternity)  is  a 
most  sociable  person.  One  evening  he  was 
invited  to  supper  at  the  home  of  a  •  friend. 
Upon  his  arriving  there  his  host  excused  him- 
self to  announce  the  arrival  of  a  guest. 

It  seems  that  Bush's  friend  liked  to  make 
a  splurge  and  this  his  wife  knev/.  She  told 
him  to  not  mention  wine,  or  to  ask  him  if  he 
would  have  some  while  at  the  table.  To  this 
he  promised.  But  when  the  meal  was  well 
under  way  he  said  to  Bush: 

"Won't  j'ou   have   some  wine,   George?" 
This  was  declined,  it  not  being  on  the  table. 
Again    -and     again     it     was     urged     upon 
George,   but  each  time  he  became  more  firm 
in   his   refusal,   and  with    it    all    showed    much 
embarrassment. 

After  Bush  had  gone  the  wife  took  her 
husband  to  task  for  having  mentioned  wine 
and  asked  him  why  he  hadn't  stopped  when 
she  had  kicked  him  so  hard  under  the  table 
every  time  he  mentioned  it. 

He  said:  "You  didn't  kick  me.  You  must 
have  been  kicking  George  all  the  time." 


52.      Hon.    George    B.    Cortelyou    of    New 
York   once   gave   a   lecture   on   the   subject   of 
32 


"Fools."  In  introducing  him  the  presiding 
officer  said: 

"Ladies  and  Gentlemen:  We  are  now  to 
listen  to  a  lecture  on  "Fools"  by  one" — the 
audience  broke  into  a  roar  of  laughter  and 
after  it  had  subsided,  he  added,  "of  the  most 
brilliant  men  in  America." 

Mr.  Cortelyou  then  arose  and,  with  a 
genial  smile  said : 

"Ladies  and  Gentlemen:  I  am  not  so  great 

a  fool  as  Bishop  ,"  another  roar  of 

laughter,  after  which  he  added,  "Would  have 
you  believe." 


53.  Henry  Wackerbarth,  in  the  law  busi- 
ness in  Los  Angeles,  has  the  following  told 
on  him,  though  he  will  not  vouch  for  its 
accuracy: 

"Stella,"  he  murmured,  passionately,  "I 
want— " 

"Just  look  at  that  beautiful  star,"  coldly- 
replied  the  maid. 

"There  is  but  one  star  for  my  eyes,"  an- 
swered Henry. 

"It's  getting  chilly,"  cried  Stella,  drawing 
her  cloak  about  her.  "Let's  get  inside." 

But  determination  had  come  to  Wacker- 
barth at  last  and,  planting  himself  squarely 
in  the  middle  of  the  garden  path,  he  blurted 
out: 

"This  is  the  last  time  I  shall  ask  you — " 

"Look  here,  Henry,"  impatiently  broke  in 
the  damsel,  "how  many  times  are  you  going 
to  ask  me  to  marry  you?" 

"Stella,  I'm  thinking  this  will  be  your  last 
33 


chance.      One  of  the  other  three  girls  I  have 
proposed   to   shows  signs   of  weakening." 


54.  C.  Elliot  Craig,  attorney,  is  inter- 
ested in  various  promotions  and  usually  in 
a  successful  way.  He  helped  promote  a  new 
town  near  Los  Angeles.  A  short  time  ago 
he  was  asking  one  of  the  residenters  of  the 

place   how    things   were    going,    as    he    hadn't 

been  there  for  many  months. 

"Oh,    it's   awful!"    replied    the    unfortunate 

man.  "Deadest  place  you  ever  saw.  Say, 
you  know  Jones,  don't  you?  Well,  he 
dropped  dead  in  front  of  the  postoffice  Sun- 
day and  they  didn't  find  his  body  until  Mon- 
day." 


55.  L.  Barton  Case  of  New  York  at  one 
time  belonged  to  a  club  that  had  as  one  of 
its  rules  that  on  Tuesday  evenings  any  man 
who  asked  a  question  in  the  club  rooms, 
which  he  was  unable  to  answer  himself, 
would  have  to  pay  a  fine  of  $  1 0. 

One  Tuesday  evening  Case  asked:  "Why 
doesn't  a  ground  squirrel  leave  any  dirt 
around  the  top  of  his  hole  when  he  digs  it?" 

After  some  deliberations  he  was  called 
upon  to  answer  it  himself. 

"That's  easy,"  he  said.  "The  squirrel 
starts  at  the  bottom  and  digs  up." 

"All  very  nice,"  suggested  another  mem- 
ber, "but  how  does  he  get  to  the  bottom  of 
the  hole  to  dig  up?" 

"Well,"  answered  Case,  "that's  your  ques- 
tion." 

34 


56.  Thomas  A.  Berkebile  tells  a  good 
one  referring  to  "precedence,"  which  at 
times  is  carried  too  far.  He  tells  of  a  Bishop 
who  was  entertaining  a  number  of  the  clergy 
at  his  Episcopal  see.  The  guest  of  honor 
was  another  Bishop.  This  gentleman  at 
breakfast  the  next  morning  said  to  the  butler: 

"Why,  this  is  a  bad  egg!  Phew!  Pah! 
What  an  atrocious  odor!  Really,  my  man, 
I'm  surprised!" 

The  butler,  with  a  serious  face,  examined 
the  egg  closely  and  said,  frowning  and  shak- 
ing his  head: 

"I  beg  your  pardon,  my  lord.  A  most  re- 
gretable  thing  has  happened.  The  stupid 
servant  has  given  your  lordship,  by  mistake, 
a  Curate's  egg." 


57.  George  L.  Keefer  is  bald  headed. 
Also  Keefer  is  quite  dignified  and  substantial 
in  appearance.  One  day  Keefer  and  some 
of  his  friends  were  playing  golf.  During  a 
lull  a  photographer  approached  them  and 
asked  permission  to  take  a  group  picture  of 
Keefer' s  party.  They  consented.  Keefer 
removed  his  cap  which  disclosed  a  thought- 
ful but  decidedly  bald  head,  which  the  ex- 
ertions of  the  game  caused  to  glisten  in  the' 
sunlight. 

"You  want  to  look  out,  Mr.  Keefer,"  said 
one  of  his  friends.  "You'll  fog  the  plate." 


58.      Oscar    B.    Clark    of    Lincoln    met    his 
Waterloo  one  day  when  he  tried  to  be  sympa- 
thetic with  a  youngster. 
35 


"What's  the  trouble,  little  girl?"  he  asked. 

"Boo,  boo,  booh.  I've  lost  my  nickel," 
she  sobbed. 

"Clark  felt  sorry  for  her  and  promptly 
reached  down  into  his  pocket  and  produced 
a  nickel,  which  he  offered  her  with  a  com- 
forting smile. 

"Well,  never  mind,"  said  Clark,  sooth- 
ingly, "here's  your  nickel;  now  stop  crying." 

She  clutched  the  coin  and  glaring  at  him 
with  scornful,  flashing  eyes,  said: 

"Oh,  you  wicked  man.  You  had  my  nickel 
all  the  time." 


59.  Ira  F.  Thompson,  a  rising  young  at- 
torney, was  examining  three  witnesses  in  a 
somewhat  complex  case.  One  was  a  Scotch- 
man, one  an  Englishman  and  the  third  an 
Irishman. 

Thompson  said  to  the  Scotchman:  "Where 
did  you  get  the  cow?"  To  which  the  Scotch- 
man replied: 

"I  have  had  it  since  it  was  a  calf." 

To  a  like  question  to  the  Englishman 
about  the  horse  he  was  answered: 

"1  have  had  it  since  it  was  a  foal." 

In  asking  the  Irishman  where  he  got  his 
cart  he  received  this  reply: 

"Sure,  Your  Honor,  I  have  had  that  ould 
cart  since  it  was  a  wheelbarrow." 


60.  Frank  A.  Paul  of  Seattle  had  an 
Irishman  working  for  him  who  was  always 
gambling.  One  day  he  came  home  with  a 

36 


raffle  ticket  entitling  him  to  a  chance  on  a 
horse  and  sleigh. 

"We'll  be  drivin'  out  through  the  park  to- 
morrow loike  the  big  guns,  Mary,"  he  an- 
nounced with  pride  to  his  wife. 

"Oh,  pop,  won't  that  be  fine  I"  chimed  in 
his  little  son.  "You  and  me  can  ride  in  the 
front  seat  an'  mon'  an'  little  Johanna  can 
sit  in  the  back." 

"Ye'll  be  after  doing  no  sich  thing,"  as- 
serted the  old  man.  '  'Twill  be  the  back 
seat  for  you,  me  lad.  Yer  mother  will  be 
on  the  front  wid  me." 

"I  will  so,"  whined  the  youngster.  "I 
will  be  ridin*  on  the  front." 

The  old  man  then  assumed  a  stern  pa- 
rental air  and  took  his  pipe  from  his  mouth 
to  deliver  his  final  decision. 

"Ye'll  not,  1  tell  ye,"  he  said,  with  em- 
phasis, "I'll  be  havin'  no  back  talk  from 
ye,  I  tell  ye  that.  Git  off  the  sleigh  at  once, 
ye  spalpeen." 


6  1 ,  Edward  W.  Todd  of  Pasadena  has  an 
orange  grove  on  two  sides  of  the  street. 
For  some  reason  the  boys  seem  to  delight  in 
taking  his  unusually  good  oranges.  One  day, 
looking  from  one  orchard  to  the  other,  he 
noticed  a  small  boy  slide  down  a  tree,  at  the 
same  time  uttering  a  warning  to  another  boy 
still  up  in  the  tree.  Todd  reached  the  tree 
in  record  time. 

"I've  got  you  this  time  I"  he  roared  to 
the  boy,  almost  hidden  among  the  leaves. 
"Come  down." 

Getting  no  answer,  and  not  being  in  a 
37 


hurry,  he  sat  down  and  waited.  Time  passed 
and  still  he  waited,  until  a  servant  came  from 
the  house  with  a  note  that  had  just  been 
dropped  into  his  letter  box.  Todd  did  not 
wait  after  he  read  the  following: 

"Some  people  'as  oranges,  some  'as  sense. 
You  bin  wotchin  a  pair  of  trowsers  stuffed 
with  straw,  and  we  been  gettin*  your  oranges 
from  the  other  orchard.  Great  victory  for 
sense.*' 


62.  Harry  L.  Dearing  is  an  attorney. 
One  day  he  came  into  his  office  limping. 

"Corn?"    he   was    asked,    sympathetically. 

"Nope — accident,"  he  answered  as  one 
who  doesn't  care  to  talk  about  something. 
But  soon  he  admitted  the  truth  for  he  said: 

"I  was  riding  through  the  park  Monday 
and  I  was  riding  along  and  riding  along  not 
thinking  of  anything  in  particular,  and  my 
foot  slipped  out  of  the  stirrup." 

"Well,   what's  that   got   to   do   with   it?" 

"Well,   the   darned  horse  stepped   on   it!" 


63.  Byron  C.  Hanna,  former  chief  deputy 
District  Attorney  for  Los  Angeles  County, 
tells  one  that  happened  in  a  home  he  was 
visiting. 

It  seems  that  the  fifteen-year-old  boy  was 
developing  the  habit  of  swearing  because  he 
heard  his  father  do  it.  The  mother  and 
father  objected  to  his  doing  so.  To  prevent 
it  a  rule  was  established  that  after  a  certain 
date  a  fine  of  two  cents  for  each  case  would 
be  made.  Owing  to  the  fact  that  the  family 
38 


were  good  Universalists,  exception  was  made 
to  the  words  "devil"  and  "hell,"  the  fine  for 
these  being  but  one  cent. 

The  first  night's  settlement  found  the 
father  owing  two  cents  and  the  boy  five  cents, 
but  no  one  had  any  pennies.  The  son  re- 
fused to  pay  his  unless  the  father  did  like- 
wise. Finally,  when  all  hope  of  an  adjust- 
ment had  passed,  the  son  spoke  up  and  said: 

"Say,  dad,  be  a  sport.  Go  to  it;  make  it 
even  five  cents — you  can  get  two  damns 
and  a  hell  for  a  nickel." 


64.  Max  Brown,  an  attorney  of  San 
Diego,  was  one  day  examining  a  young  doctor 
whom  he  thought  to  fuss  on  account  of  his 
youth. 

"Are  you,"  he  demanded,  "entirely  fa- 
miliar with  the  symptoms  of  concussion  of 
the  brain?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  came  the  reply. 

"Then,"  continued  Brown,  "I  should  like 
to  ask  your  opinion  of  a  hypothetical  case. 
Were  my  learned  friend,  Mr.  William  A. 
Sherwin,  associate  counsel  in  this  case,  and 
I  to  bang  our  heads  together,  would  we  get 
concussion  of  the  brain?" 

"Mr.  Sherwin  might,"  smiled  the  youthful 
physician. 


65.      One  day  a  tramp  called  at  the  home 
of   Andy    Rose    and    said: 

"Mr.   Rose,   I've  walked  many  miles  to  see 
you,    sir,    because    people    say    you    are    very 
kind  to  the  poor  and  unfortunate  like  me." 
39 


"Indeed,"  said  Rose.  "And  are  you  going 
back  the  same  way?" 

"Yes  sir,"   replied  the  tramp. 

"Well,  then,"  said  Rose,  "just  contradict 
that  rumor  as  you  go,  will  you?  Good 
morning." 


66.  We  would  never  believe  it  now,  but 
they  tell  the  following  on  Harry  M.  Wier, 
the  Los  Angeles  law  book  man.  Apparently 
Harry  had  been  enjoying  himself  in  some  far 
away  country,  and  had  just  returned  home. 

"Well,  guv'nor,  I've  come  back.  Are  you 
going  to  kill  the  fatted  calf?"  said  Harry. 

But  the  old  gentleman  was  a  match  for 
him. 

"No,  my  son;  I  think  I'll  let  you  live,"  he 
said. 


67.  Upon  his  arrival  at  Phoenix,  Warren 
C.  Schermerhorn  invested  in  a  cow.  Out- 
door life  for  him,  he  said.  The  following 
is  an  extract  from  one  of  his  letters,  on  the 
subject  of  his  experiences  while  there: 

"The  other  night  I  went  out  to  feed  the 
cow  after  dark,  and  by  mistake  mixed  up  a 
nice  mash,  in  a  full  box  of  sawdust  instead 
of  bran.  The  cow,  merely  supposing  that 
hard  times  had  come  and  that  I  was  going 
to  economize  all  along  the  line,  meekly  ate 
her  supper  and  I  never  discovered  my  mis- 
take until  the  next  morning.  When  I  milked 
the  cow  she  let  down  a  gallon  of  turpentine, 
a  quart  of  shoe  pegs  and  a  bundle  of  lath." 
40 


68.  One  day  J.  "Shep"  Mitchell  of  Los 
Angeles  was  called  on  by  a  Chinaman,  who 
said: 

"You  Mr.   Micell,   the  big  law.yerman?" 

"Yes,"   replied  "Shep,"  a  little  puffed  up. 

"How  much  you  charde  to  'fend  China- 
man?" came  the  question. 

"For  what  crime?"  asked  "Shep." 

"Mlurder,"    came    the    Chink's   answer. 

"Five  hundred  dollars,"  announced  Mr. 
Mitchell. 

The  Chinaman  said  he  would  call  again. 
A  few  days  later  he  returned  to  Mitchell's 
office,  gravely  placed  $500  in  gold  on  the 
desk  before  the  astonished  "Shep,"  and  said: 

"All  lite.      I  kill  'im." 

And  "Shep"  got  an  acquittal. 


69.  Raymond  E.  Hodge,  Deputy  District 
Attorney  of  San  Bernardino,  when  in  practice 
for  himself,  had  a  very  accurate  man  for  a 
client.  One  day  this  client  said  to  Hodge, 
in  a  very  serious  manner: 

"I  can  tell  you  how  much  water  goes  over 
Niagara  Falls  to  a  quart." 

Hodge  bit,   for  he  said:    "How  much?" 

"Two  pints,"  came  the  valued  information. 


70.  Ivey  Marshall  of  Los  Angeles  is  one 
of  those  "Certified  Accountants/'  whatever 
that  may  be.  But  one  day  finding  himself 
in  need  of  an  assistant  bookkeeper  for  a 
wholesale  house  he  dictated  an  advertise- 
ment for  the  paper,  stating  that  he  wished 
41 


one  about  22  years  of  age.  Through  a  typo- 
graphical error  it  was  made  to  read  "202 
years  of  age."  In  spite  of  this  error  he  re- 
ceived numerous  replies,  one  of  which  fol- 
lows: 

"Dear  Sir:  Your  ad.  in  tonight's  Express 
interests  me  (it  would  anyone  but  a  dead 
one). 

"Knowing  how  delightful  the  work  in  a 
wholesale  house  is,  the  princely  salaries, 
short  hours  and  entrancing  environments 
(I've  known  rich  wholesalers  to  allow  them- 
selves to  be  pried  out  of  as  high  as  $4.85  a 
week  for  a  good  assistant  bookkeeper,  and 
then  only  require  eighteen  hours*  work  at 
a  stretch),  I  immediately  set  this  application 
in  motion. 

"My  name  is  Touchmenot  Oskosh,  and  1 
am  some  chicken  when  it  comes  to  addin'  up 
nggers.  I  was  born  in  Slumberville,  Ken- 
tucky, June  3,  1710,  and  father  started  in 
figgerin'  the  first  day  as  to  how  in  darnation 
he  was  going  to  feed  me  and  clothe  me  and 
bring  me  up  to  be  a  real  honest-to-goodness 
assistant  bookkeeper. 

"I  remember  when  DeSoto  discovered  the 
Mississippi,  and  the  Boston  Tea  Party,  and  I 
used  to  call  General  Washington  'Gawge.' 

"Although  I  am  not  just  exactly  202  years 
of  age,  the  fact  that  I  am  ten  days  over  will 
not,  I  trust,  keep  me  from  the  position.  I'm 
proud  as  a  dollar,  eyesight  perfect,  eat  three 
squares  a  day,  and  have  chawed  Horseshoe 
tobaccer  all  my  life. 

"Ge,  I'd  give  all  the  money  in  the  world 
if  you'd  make  me  an  assistant  bookeeper  in 
a  wholesale  office. 

42 


"I'm  rapid,  all  right,  too,  especially  with 
a  highball  or  two  tucked  under  my  belt,  and 
when  it  comes  to  accuracy,  old  Buffalo  Bill 
with  his  six-shooter  is  a  mere  child  by  com- 
parison. 

"I  tell  you  that  it  ain't  these  young  buccos 
that's  making  the  world  move.  It's  the  as- 
sistant bookkeepers  202  years  old  and 
Roosevelt  and  big  hearted  wholesalers  and 
sech  that  do  things. 

"I  had  a  chance  to  be  a  bank  cashier,  but 
there's  nothing  doing  for  me  if  I  can  get  that 
assistant  bookkeeping  job.  Me  for  nggers, 
every  time. 

"All    I    ask    is    that    I    be    given    a    vacation 

oil  my  206th  birthday,  and  that  if  some  crazy 

aulo    driver    happens    to    drive    over    me    and 

me  dead,   that  you  send  word  to  my  old 

mother,    who    is    906    years    old    on    the    1  Oth 

of   the   coming   month.      Don't   write.      Takes 

aarned  long.    Wire  me.    Yours, 

"TOUCHMENOT." 


7  I .  Hubert  D.  Hoover  is  a  rattling  good 
lawyer,  but  not  strong  on  outdoor  exercise. 
He  has  a  garden  at  his  home  in  Glendale, 
California,  where  the  following  incident  is 
said  to  have  taken  place:  His  wife  asked 
him  to  go  into  the  garden  and  dig  some  po- 
tatoes. He  agreed  and  went  to  work  for  a 
few  moments. 

"See  what  I've  found,"  he  said  as  he  came 
into  the  kitchen  and  began  washing  some- 
thing. "It's  a  coin!" 

After  putting  it  into  his  pocket  he  again 
went  to  work  in  the  garden.  Presently  he 
43 


was  back  again  and  washing  something  more. 
This  time  it  was  a  larger  coin. 

Putting  it  into  his  pocket  he  said:  "I've 
worked  pretty  hard;  I'll  take  a  short  nap." 

When  he  awoke  he  found  that  his  wife  had 
dug  the  rest  of  the  potatoes.  But  she  found 
no  coins.  Shortly  it  dawned  on  her  how 
nicely  she  had  been  fooled. 


72.  Major  George  C.  Thorpe  of  Wash- 
ington, D.  C.,  and  a  member  of  the  Marine 
Corps,  was  in  charge  of  a  vessel  in  the  Span- 
ish war.  He  was  giving  orders: 

"Do  you  see  that  captain  on  the  bridge 
five  miles  away?"  he  said. 

"Aye,   aye,  aye,   sir,"   came  the  reply. 

"Let  him  have  a  twelve-inch  shell  in  the 
eye!"  he  ordered. 

"Which  eye,  sir?  Which  eye?"  came  the 
query. 


73.  Tom  Banning,  Jr.,  a  well  known  Chi- 
cago patent  lawyer,  one  evening  at  a  some- 
what late  hour  decided  to  drop  in  and  see  a 
show.  But  one  seat  remained  and  that  was  off 
at  one  side.  Ahead  of  him  sat  a  large  woman 
who  had  her  hat  on,  which  prevented  his 
seeing  the  stage.  Tom  leaned  forward  and 
politely  asked  her  to  remove  her  hat  as  it 
prevented  his  seeing  the  show. 

A   stiffening  of  the  head  was  her  only   re- 

ply- 

After  a  minute  Tom  repeated  his  request. 
Suddenly  she  turned  and  said: 

"There   is  no   demand   for  my   doing  so." 
"No    demand!"    Tom    ejaculated.       But    by 
44 


this  time  he  was  getting  thoroughly  wrought 
up.  He  roiled  his  overcoat  into  a  bundle, 
placed  it  on  his  seat  and  put  his  own  hat  on 
his  head.  In  an  instant  there  was  a  cry  of: 

"Take  it  off!     Take  it  off!" 

With  a  swift  movement  the  woman  re- 
moved her  hat and  so  did  Tom. 


74.  George  W.  Olvaney,  for  a  long  time 
First  Deputy  Fire  Commissioner  of  New  York 
City,  was  walking  along  the  street  one  day 
when  he  saw  a  house  on  fire.  He  rushed 
across  the  way,  rang  the  bell  and  waited,  he 
thought  a  long,  long  time.  Finally  the  door 
opened  and  a  woman  who  proved  to  be  deaf 
appeared. 

"Madam,  the  house  is  on  fire,'*  he  shouted, 
hurriedly  to  her. 

"What   did  you   say?"    she   inquired. 

Olvaney  began  dancing  up  and  down  and 
pointing  above,  he  said:  **I  said,  your  house 
is  afire;  flames  bursting  out;  no  time  to  lose.'* 

"What  did  you  say?"  again  came  the  ex- 
asperating question. 

"House  afire;  quick!"  again  shouted  Ol- 
vaney, now  trying  to  gain  an  entrance 
through  the  chained  door. 

The  lady  smiled.  "Is  that  all?"  she  said, 
sweetly. 

"Well,"  replied  Olvaney,  hopelessly,  "that 
is  all  I  can  think  of  just  now." 


75.      Thomas    H.    Reed,    professor    of    the 
chair    of    Political    Science    at    Berkeley,    was 
recently    visiting    some    friends    in    the    east. 
45 


His  stay  covered  some  time  in  their  little 
village.  During  the  evenings  he  would  at 
times  drop  into  the  corner  grocery  store  to 
hear  the  local  news.  To  the  natives  he  be- 
came known  as  the  "Professor."  One  night 
a  newcomer  from  a  nearby  place  dropped  in. 
He  had  heard  of  the  "Professor."  Stepping 
up  to  him  he  said: 

"Be  you  the  Professor?" 

"Yes,"  said  Reed.      "I  am  he." 

"Do  you  pretend  to  know  everything?" 
was  the  next  query. 

"No,"  said  Professor  Reed,  "1  don't  know 
everything." 

Then  thinking  he  would  jolly  the  Rube  a 
little  he  said:  "But  I  am  supposed  to  know 
quite  a  good  deal;  that  is  why  I  hold  my 
position." 

"Well,"  said  the  Rube,  "since  you've 
studied  so  much  and  learned  so  much,  maybe 
you  could  tell  me  whether  a  man  diggin* 
clams  is  pursuin*  agriculture  or  fishin'?" 


76.  "How  was  your  speech  received  at 
the  club?"  was  asked  of  Joseph  Hartigan, 
who,  by  the  way,  was  the  founder  of  the 
Democratic  College  Clubs  in  New  York  City. 

"Why,  they  congratulated  me  very  heart- 
ily. In  fact,  one  of  them  came  to  me  and 
told  me  that  when  I  sat  down  he  had  said  to 
himself,  it  was  the  best  thing  I  had  ever 
done." 


77.      Roger    F.    Steffans    of    Cleveland    was 
as  usual  successful  in  settling  a  damage   suit 
for  an   Irishman  who   had  been  nearly  killed 
46 


by   a   falling   brick.      Pat   was   at   the   hospital 

and  Steflfans   was   ready  to  tell   him  the  news 

of   having   made   a   settlement.      He   informed 

him  and  said: 

"I  have  here  for  you   $25.00,   the  amount 

coming   to   you." 

Pat  took  it,   looked  at  Steffans  and   said: 
"How  much  did  you  make  them  pay?" 
"With   costs  on  both  sides,    $1,000,"   Stef- 

faiis   replied. 

"One    thousand    dollars,    and   you    give   me 

only    $25!      Eejabbers!  who   got   hit  with   the 

brick — you   or  me?" 


78.  At  a  recent  political  convention  in 
Chicago  the  speakers  and  audience  were 
much  annoyed  by  a  man  constantly  calling 
out,  "Mr.  McGurren!  McGurren!  McGur- 
renl  McGurren!  I  call  for  Mr.  McGurren!" 
After  several  interruptions  of  this  kind  dur- 
ing the  various  speeches,  a  young  man  as- 
cended the  platform  and  began  an  eloquent 
and  impassioned  speech  in  which  he  handled 
the  questions  of  the  hour  with  easy  famil- 
iarty.  He  was  in  the  midst  of  a  glowing 
period  when  suddenly  the  old  cry  echoed 
through  the  hall:  "Mr.  McGurren!  McGur- 
ren! McGurren!" 

With  a  word  to  the  speaker  the  chairman 
stepped  to  the  front  of  the  platform  and  re- 
marked, that  it  would  oblige  the  audience 
very  much  if  the  gentleman  in  the  rear  of 
the  hall  would  refrain  from  further  calls  for 
Mr.  McGurren,  as  that  gentleman  was  then 
addressing  the  meeting. 

"McGurren?  Is  that  Mr.  McGurren?" 
47 


came  in  astonished  tones  from  the  rear. 
"Thunder!  That  can't  be  him.  Why,  that's 
the  young  man  that  asked  me  to  call  for 
Mr.  McGurren!" 


79.  W.  K.  Jackson,  Jr.,  Attorney  Gen- 
eral of  the  Panama  Canal  Zone,  like  most 
lawyers,  started  at  the  bottom.  One  time 
when  business  was  slack  he  thought  he  would 
step  down  to  the  drug  store  a  minute.  On 
the  door  he  placed  the  following  notice  on  a 
card: 

"Will  be  back  in  fifteen  minutes.  Gone 
ten  already." 


80.  The  Hon.  J.  B.  Moon  of  Virginia, 
once  during  a  cross-examination  of  a  wit- 
ness, asked  him  where  his  father  was,  to 
which  the  man  replied  in  a  melancholy  man- 
ner: 

"Dead,    sir;    dropped   off   very   suddenly." 

"How  came  he  to  drop  off  so  suddenly?" 
asked  Mr.  Moon,  somewhat  touched. 

"Foul  play,  sir,"  came  the  reply.  "The 
Sheriff  imposed  upon  his  unconscious  nature 
and,  getting  him  to  go  up  on  a  platform  to 
look  at  a  select  audience,  suddenly  knocked 
a  trap-door  out  from  under  him." 


81.  Raymond  J.  Burns,  son  of  the  fa- 
mous detective,  is  secretary  and  treasurer 
of  the  W.  J.  Burns  Detective  Agency  at  their 
Chicago  office.  He  has  the  following  told 
on  him.  Once  a  very  valuable  negotiable 
paper  was  lost  by  an  express  company.  He 
48 


was  sent  to  locate  it.  It  was  traced  to  what 
was  considered  the  only  likely  place — that 
of  a  well  known  fence.  So  certain  was  Burns 
that  it  was  there  that  he  considered  it  as 
found. 

The  room  was  a  dingy,  ill  lighted  one,  and 
Burns  ordered  the  suspected  man  to  get  him 
a  candle  to  aid  in  the  search.  The  man  com- 
plied and  stood  near  while  Burns  and  his 
men  made  the  search.  But  they  couldn't 
find  the  paper,  even  after  tearing  up  the 
rugs  and  examining  every  crack  and  crevice, 
and  finally  searching  the  crook  and  cutting 
his  clothes  and  shoes.  The  candle  at  last 
almost  burned  out,  when  he  gave  it  back  to 
the  man  and  said: 

"I'm  licked.  Now  if  you'll  tell  me  where 
the  paper  is  I  won't  arrest  you  or  say  any- 
thing about  where  I  got  it." 

"All  right — you've  got  it  in  your  hand," 
said  the  man,  promptly. 

And  it  was,  having  been  wrapped  around 
the  candle  in  place  of  a  candlestick. 


82.  Ex-Governor  Claude  A.  Swanson  of 
Virginia  was  one  day  traveling  to  Washing- 
ton. His  mind  was  occupied  and  he  did  not 
wish  to  be  troubled  by  the  talk  of  strangers. 
Finally  one  approached  him  and  sat  down 
and  said : 

"Did  you  hear  the  latest  thing  about 
Woodrow  Wilson?" 

"Wilson?  Wilson?"  said  ex-Governor 
Swanson.  "Wilson?  Who  is  he?" 

The  man  was  quiet  for  about  five  minutes. 
Pretty  soon  he  said; 

49 


"William  Bryan  is  kicking  up  quite  a  row 
with  the  European  nations.  Do  you  think 
it  will  result  in  any  serious  trouble?" 

"Bryan?  Bryan?  William  Bryan?"  said 
ex-Governor  Swanson.  "I  never  heard  of 
Bryan." 

This  ignorance  kept  the  man  quiet  for 
about  fifteen  minutes. 

"What  do  you  think  of  Roosevelt's  chances 
for  the  Presidency?  Do  you  think  he  will 
run  again?"  at  last  the  man  asked. 

"Roosevelt?  Roosevelt?  Hang  it,  man," 
said  Swanson,  "you  appear  to  know  more 
strangers  than  any  man  I  ever  heard  of!" 

The  man  was  furious.  He  walked  off,  but 
at  last  came  back  and  said: 

"Say,  did  you  ever  hear  of  Adam?" 

Governor   Swanson   looked   up   and  said: 

"Adam?  Adam?  What  was  his  other 
name?" 


83.  Joseph  Grondahl  of  San  Francisco 
has  a  big  jewelry  business  that  he  runs  from 
an  office,  not  a  store,  and  entirely  through 
soliciting.  Joe,  prior  to  going  into  this  line, 
had  a  little  experience  with  a  stock  of  jew- 
elry he  made  his  first  venture  with.  He  had 
bought  a  stock  at  a  very  low  figure  and  de- 
cided to  auction  it  off.  Now  Grondahl  is  no 
second  rater  so  he  did  it  himself.  He  was 
trying  at  this  specific  instance  to  auction  off 
an  ornamental  clock.  He  had  run  the  bid- 
ding up  to  $3  when  he  saw  a  small  man  in 
the  back  of  the  place  nod  when  he  asked 
who  would  bid  $3.50. 
50 


"Three  and  a  half  I  have — who'll  make  it 
four?" 

Again  the  man  nodded. 

"Four — four — who'll    make    it    four-fifty?" 

Another  nod. 

"Four  and  a  half — four  and  a  half — who'll 
make  it  five?" 

Again  the  man  was  seen  to  nod. 

"Sold — to  the  man  in  the  brown  suit," 
said  Joe. 

"But,"  protested  the  man,  "I  didn't  bid 
on  it!" 

"Then  why  did  you  keep  nodding  your 
head?"  growled  the  now  exasperated  Gron- 
dahl. 

"I  couldn't  help  it,  sir,"  came  the  apolo- 
getic reply.  "I  had  the  hiccoughs." 


84.  Edward  C.  Nettels,  Traffic  Manager 
of  the  Postum  Cereal  Company  of  Battle 
Creek>  had  a  little  experience  when  once  he 
was  helping  a  grocer  fill  his  orders.  Nettels 
had  been  stranded  in  town  for  a  couple  of 
days  by  a  blockade  on  the  railroad.  It  seems 
that  he  made  a  mistake  in  filling  an  order 
for  the  grocer  and  didn't  notice  it  until  the 
next  morning.  When  he  found  it  out  he 
hurried  out  to  hunt  up  the  woman. 

"I — I'm  sorry  to  say  there's  been  a  slight 
mistake,  Madam,"  he  panted.  "You  ordered 
two  pounds  of  cereal  yesterday  and  by  mis- 
take I  put  up  some  sawdust  that  the  grapes 
were  packed  in." 

"Oh!"  replied  the  woman.  "Then  1 
reckon  my  husband  must  have  got  through 
about  a  pound  of  the  wood  for  breakfast." 

5! 


**Y — you  don't  mean  to  say  that  he  ate 
it!"  gasped  Nettels. 

"Course  *e  did,"  she  answered. 

The  lady  then  leaned  back  and  for  three 
minutes  indulged  herself  in  a  long  and  loud 
laugh  that  brought  her  neighbors  to  the 
scene. 

"Well,  that's  right  down  funny,"  she  ob- 
served, with  a  laugh. 

"Funny!"  queried  Nettels,  now  thoroughly 
frightened. 

"Yes,  funny!  Here  we've  been  married 
thirteen  years  and  Charles  has  never  paid 
me  a  compliment  till  this  morning  at  break- 
fast, when  blessed  if  he  didn't  pass  his  plate 
for  another  dish  of  'sawdust*  and  told  me  it 
reminded  him  of  the  porridge  his  mother 
used  to  make." 


85.  C.  P.  Pierce  of  Key  West  tried  to 
send  a  pair  of  trousers  by  book  post,  which 
is  cheaper  than  parcel  post.  The  postal  of- 
ficials wrote  him:  "Clothes  can  not  be  sent 
by  book  post.  If  you  will  refer  to  the  Post- 
office  Guide  you  will  see  under  what  condi- 
tions articles  may  be  sent  by  book  post." 

Shortly  after  Pierce  replied:  "I  have 
looked  in  the  Postoffice  Guide  and  find  that 
articles  which  are  open  at  both  ends  may  be 
sent  by  book  post.  And  if  trousers  are  not 
open  at  both  ends  I  should  like  to  know 
what  is." 


86.      Arthur   M.    Harris   of  Seattle,    author 
of   the  famed   "Letters  of  a  Young  Lawyer," 
52 


met  with  a  somewhat  unusual  experience. 
In  one  of  the  large  libraries  of  this  country 
it  was  found  that  every  morning  certain 
books  on  a  particular  shelf  were  always  found 
on  the  floor.  Finally  the  janitor  was  called 
upon  to  explain  why  these  books  were  al- 
ways on  the  floor  each  morning.  He  in- 
sisted that  they  were  in  their  place  every 
evening  when  he  cleaned  up  in  that  place 
and  could  not  explain  why  it  should  happen. 

Finally  the  Librarian  decided  to  remain 
down  all  night  and  solve  the  problem.  He 
discovered  that  it  was  a  certain  works  en- 
titled, "Failures  of  a  Young  Lawyer/'  that 
were  always  on  the  floor.  When  he  reported 
the  peculiar  incident  of  its  being  the  same 
set  each  time,  he  was  asked  why  it  was 
always  this  set  of  books. 

"Well,  you  see,  someone  by  mistake  had 
been  placing  these  books  on  the  shelf  beside 
Harris'  works,  entitled,  "Letters  of  a  Young 
Lawyer,"  and  the  "Letters  of  a  Young  Law- 
yer" being  of  a  somewhat  superior  class, 
simply  refused  to  be  found  in  such  com- 
pany." 


87.  Judge  George  E.  Morris  of  the  Su- 
preme Court  of  the  State  of  Washington,  had 
an  interesting  incident  among  his  experi- 
ences as  prosecuting  attorney.  It  seems  that 
Terrance  Murphey  was  accused  of  selling 
liquor  illicitly  and  Judge  Morris  was  trying 
to  get  Pat,  a  driver,  to  admit  that  he  had 
delivered  liquor  to  the  defendant.  Pat  stated 
that  he  had  once  delivered  freight  to  Mur- 
phey, and  that  part  of  the  freight  was  in  a 
53 


barrel,  but  when  asked  what  the  barrel  con- 
tained he  said  he  didn't  know. 

"Don't  you  know?  Wasn't  the  barrel 
marked?"  asked  Morris. 

"Yis  sir,"  was  Pat's  only  reply. 

"Then  how  dare  you  tell  the  court  you 
don't  know  what  was  in  it?"  came  the  quick 
question  of  Morris. 

"Because,  sir,  the  barrel  was  marked 
'Terrance  Murphey*  on  one  end  and  'Bour- 
bon Whiskey'  on  the  other.  How  the  divil 
did  I  know  which  was  in  it?" 


88.  Edward  W.  Allen,  Assistant  Attorney 
General  for  the  State  of  Washington,  came 
home  one  evening  from  a  big  dinner  with  a 
broad  smile  all  over  his  face. 

"Yes,  dear,"  he  said  in  answer  to  her 
anxious  query.  "The  dinner  was  most  pleas- 
ant and  my  speech  was  the  success  of  the 
evening." 

"What  did  you  say,   darling?"   she  asked. 

*'Oh,  well,  I  can't  remember  exactly,  you 
know.  But  until  I  spoke  all  the  speeches  had 
fallen  flat,  so  I  thought  I  would  give  them 
a  little  humor.  And  I  succeeded,  too!  I 
had  hardly  said  more  than  six  words  when 
there  was  a  pleased  giggle  round  the  huge 
table.  In  a  few  minutes  I  had  them  all  roll- 
ing about  with  laughter,  and  when  at  last  I 
sat  down  the  applause  was  tremendous — 
tremendous!" 

And  at  this  point  Allen  removed  his  over- 
coat. 

*'I  am  glad  that  your  speech  was  such  a 
success,  dear,"  answered  his  wife,  dutifully. 
54 


"But  next  time  you  have  to  speak  in  public 
would  it  not  be  a  better  plan  to  put  a  waist- 
coat under  your  dress  coat,  especially  when 
you  wear  a  dickey?" 


89.  De  Witt  M.  Evans,  Justice  of  the 
Peace  at  Tacorna,  was  hearing  a  case  one 
day  when  the  attorney  said: 

"Your  Honor,  this  man's  insanity  takes 
the  form  of  a  belief  that  everyone  wants  to 
rob  him.  He  won't  allow  even  me,  his  coun- 
sel, to  approach  him." 

"Maybe,"  said  Judge  Evans,  "he's  not  so 
crazy  after  all.*' 


90.  Edmund  N.  Keenan  of  Seattle  was 
riding  in  his  auto  with  a  young  lady  when 
she  asked  him  to  let  her  run  the  car.  He 
reluctantly  acquiesced  and  his  fears  soon 
materialized  for  she  shouted: 

"Oh,  Edmund,  take  it  quick!  Here  comes 
a  ditch!" 


91.  William  P.  Kelley,  Deputy  Prose- 
cuting Attorney  of  Los  Angeles,  had  a  little 
experience  worth  relating.  It  seemed  that 
before  he  became  wise  through  his  experi- 
ences in  the  prosecuting  attorney's  office 
that  he  once  went  to  a  quack  doctor  for 
treatment.  He  stated  to  the  quack  that  he 
had  a  sharp  pain  internally  and  that  it  might 
be  caused  by  his  sucking  the  point  of  a  pen- 
cil. The  quack  quickly  told  him  that 
was  suffering  from  lead  poisoning  ancl  gave 

55 


him  some  pills  which  he  said  would  cure 
him. 

The  next  day  Kelley  came  back  in  a  very 
angry  mood  .and  said: 

"A  friend  of  mine  has  examined  the  pills 
you  gave  me  and  they  are  only  bread." 

"Of  course  they  are,"  was  the  bland  re- 
ply. "Don't  yon  know  that  bread  is  the 
finest  thing  in  the  world  to  remove  pencil 
marks?  You  didn't  want  me  to  give  you 
india  rubber  pills,  did  you?" 


92.  Charles  H.  Tribit,  Jr.,  was  once  try- 
ing to  hire  an  Irishman  for  general  work. 
One  finally  came  who  looked  likely. 

"I  will  hire  you  at  once,"  he  said,  hastily 
sizing  up  the  applicant,  "if  you  think  you 
can  fill  the  bill.  What  I  want  is  a  man  who 
can  cook,  scrub  a  little,  drive  a  car,  look 
after  the  team  of  horses,  feed  the  chickens, 
work  in  the  garden,  do  a  little  painting  and 
paper  hanging " 

"Please  excuse  me,  sor,"  interrupted  Pat. 
"What  kind  of  soil  have  yez  around  here?" 

"Soil?"  was  Tribit's  wondering  rejoinder. 
"What  in  the  deuce  has  that  got  to  do  with 
it?" 

"Sure  an*  a  whole  lot,  sor,"  answered  Pat. 
'If  yez  have  any  clay  around  here  Oi  might 
put  in  me  spart  toime  with  the  makin*  av 
bricks." 


93.      Stannard   A.    McNeil,    a    Los   Angeles 
attorney,  was  one  day  in  a  bad  mix-up.      He 
had   lost   his  hat,   and   flushed  and   breathless 
56 


he  had  at  last  succeeded  in  getting  it  after  a 
long  chase.  With  a  sigh  of  relief  he  leaned 
against  a  lighting  post,  trying  to  recover  some 
of  his  lost  energies.  Just  then  another  man, 
also  breathless,  came  running  up  and  taking 
the  hat  from  McNeil's  hand,  remarked: 

"I'm  very  much  obliged  to  you,   sir." 

"For  what?"  came  Stannard's  surprised 
reply. 

"Well,  this  is  my  hat,"  said  the  stranger, 
smiling. 

"Your  hat!  Then  where  in  the  dickens  is 
mine?"  gasped  Mac. 

"Oh,  yours  is  hanging  behind  you  at  the 
end  of  the  string." 


94.  C.  Foster  Cable  one  day  got  into  an 
argument  with  an  irishman  over  the  nation- 
ality of  certain  politicians. 

"I  say,"  said  Cable,  "he's  a  Frenchman 
because  he  was  born  in  France." 

"Not  at  all,"  said  the  Irishman.  "Begorra, 
if  a  cat  had  kittens  in  an  oven  would  you 
call  them  biscuits?" 


95.  D.  E.  Carlton  of  Tampa  belongs  to 
a  church  where  a  gentle  minister  recently 
accepted  a  call.  Carlton  has  a  fast  horse, 
and  sometimes  races  him.  One  day  he  went 
to  the  new  minister  and  asked  him  to  invite 
the  prayers  of  the  congregation  for  Lucy 
Grey.  Willingly  and  gladly  he  did  it  for  three 
Sundays.  On  the  fourth  Sunday  one  of  the 
deacons  told  him  he  need  not  ask  the  prayers 
of  the  congregation  any  more  for  Lucy  Grey. 
57 


"Why,"  said  the  good  man  with  an  anxious 
look,  "is  she  dead?" 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  deacon,  "she's  won  the 
steeplechase." 


96.  Walter  Shelton  of  San  Francisco 
asked  his  butcher  one  morning  what  kind  of 
meat  he  could  recommend.  The  butcher 
said: 

"The  best  steak  we  ever  had,  sir.  Here 
you  are,  sir;  as  smooth  as  velvet  and  as  ten- 
der as  a  woman's  heart." 

"I'll  take  sausage,"   said  Shelton. 


97.  One  day  L.  V.  Repke,  while  talking 
with  a  friend  about  paintings,  said  he  had 
to  give  up  painting  dogs.  What  was  the 
trouble,  he  was  asked. 

"Oh,  you  see,  I  did  them  so  lifelike  that 
the  neighbors  complained  of  fleas.  Besides, 
another  one  had  to  be  muzzled  to  keep  him 
from  biting  those  who  came  into  the  studio," 
raid  he. 

"But  what  was  worse,"  said  Repke,  "was 
that  I  had  a  deuce  of  a  time  over  a  portrait 
of  a  New  York  .millionaire  that  had  just  been 
completed.  It  was  so  lifelike  that  it  had  to 
be  shaved  twice  a  week. 

"But  worse  than  that  was  a  time  I  had  com- 
pleting a  painting  of  some  grapes  and  a  vine. 
Before  the  thing  was  finished  the  birds  came 
and  ate  the  grapes  while  perched  on  the  vine. 

"At  a  later  time  on  completing  a  polar 
scene,  my  servant  placed  a  thermometer  close 
to  it,  when  1  found  that  the  bulb  had  bursted 
58 


on  account  of  the  mercury   going  so  low  the 
thermometer  could  not  register  any  more. 

"But  worst  of  all,  this  selfsame  servant 
had  an  attack  of  nerves  from  trying  to  sweep 
down  some  cobwebs  that  I  had  painted  on 
the  ceiling." 


98.  One  time  Rev.  Robert  Davis  of  Engle- 
wood,  N.  J.,  was  holding  revival  services.  In 
all  such  meetings  there  are  touches  of  humor. 
He  was  asking  three  children  whom  he  had 
converted  various  questions. 

"Now,  my  little  man,  tell  me  what  you 
have  to  be  thankful  for,"  he  said,  addressing 
the  son  of  a  well-to-do  family. 

"I  am  thankful  for  my  father  and  mother, 
who  are  so  nice,"  he  said. 

"Now,  my  little  lady,  tell  me  what  it  is 
that  you  have  to  be  thankful  for,"  he  said, 
addressing  the  daughter  of  a  well-to-do  fam- 

ily. 

"1  am  thankful  for  my  nice  dollies  and 
other  things,"  she  said. 

"And  my  little  man,"  he  said,  addressing 
a  boy  who  stuttered,  had  a  cleft  palate,  was 
red-headed  and  freckled  and  who  came  from 
a  poor  family,  "what  have  you  to  be  thank- 
ful for?" 

"I  hain't  got  nutin*  to  be  thankful  to  the 
Lord  for.  He  durned  near  ruined  me." 


99.      Joseph  E.  Fleitz  of  Wilkes-Barre  once 
was   defending   an    Irishman   who    had    stolen 
a    pig.       In    court    the    judge    leaned    forward 
59 


and  asked  Patrick  what  he  had  done  with  the 
pig- 

"Killed  it  and  ate  it,  Your  Honor,"  an- 
swered Patrick. 

"Well,  now,  Patrick,  when  you  are 
brought  face  to  face  with  the  widow  Maloney 
and  her  pig  on  the  Judgment  Day,  what  ac- 
count will  you  be  able  to  give  of  yourself 
when  the  widow  accuses  you  of  stealing?" 
asked  the  Judge. 

"Did  you  say  the  pig  would  be  there, 
Your  Honor?"  asked  Patrick. 

"Most  certainly  I  did,"   replied  the  Judge, 

"Well,  then,  I'll  say,  'Mrs.  Maloney,  there's 
your  pig/  " 


100.  A.  Frank  John  of  Mt.  Carmel, 
Pennsylvania,  one  time  when  walking  with 
a  friend,  said  to  him: 

"You  see  that  beggar  approaching? 
Watch  me  make  him  look  small." 

When  the  beggar  stopped  them  he  listened 
attentively  to  what  he  said  and  after  finish- 
ing, John  said: 

"That's  the  same  old  story  you  told  me 
last  week." 

"Is  it?"  queried  the  beggar.  "Perhaps  I 
did,  perhaps  I  did,"  he  admitted,  "but  I'd 
quite  forgotten  meeting  you  for  the  moment. 
I  was  in  jail  last  week  and  there  were  such 
a  lot  of  us  there  I  didn't  remember  you,  you 
see." 


101.      They    tell    this    one    on    Walter    L. 
Vieregg,  but  we  will  not  vouch  for  it.      Wal- 
ter had  a  bad  case   on  a  certain  young  lady 
60 


in  his  early  days,  but  was  extremely  bashful. 
This  began  to  tell  on  the  young  lady,  so  one 
evening  when  he  arrived  as  usual  she  no- 
ticed a  rose  pinned  in  his  lapel.  She  spoke 
about  it  and  said: 

'Til   give  you   a   kiss   for   that   rose/' 

A  crimson  flush  came  over  Vieregg's  face, 
but  the  exchange  was  made  eventually.  Then 
he  grabbed  his  hat  and  started  to  leave. 

"Why,  where  are  you  going?*'  she  asked, 
in  surprised  tones. 

"To — to  the — er — florists  for  more  roses," 
he  finally  said  as  he  rushed  past  her  and  out 
the  front  door. 


102.  James  F.  Martin  of  New  Haven  got 
into  a  street  car  one  day  and  placed  under 
his  seat  a  basket  he  was  carrying.  Shortly 
afterwards  a  young  lady  with  a  dog  fastened 
by  a  silver  chain  sat  down  beside  him,  plac- 
ing the  dog  on  the  floor  between  her  feet. 
Soon  she  began  to  get  nervous  and  shortly 
said  in  a  shrill  voice: 

"Bruno,    stop   it!" 

Presently  she  turned  pale  and  jerking  the 
chain,  cried:  "Lie  down,  Bruno,  and  behave 
yourself!"  A  moment  later  she  jumped  up 
and  began  to  do  a  solo  dance. 

Martin  stared  at  her  in  astonishment. 
Then  an  idea  struck  him  and  stooping  over 
he  looked  into  his  basket.  Recovering  him- 
self with  a  great  effort  he  finally  said: 

"Madam,  when  you  are  through  with  my 
lobster,  will  you  kindly  return  it  to  me?" 

It  took  smelling  salts  to  bring  her  to  her- 
61 


self    again,     but    Bruno    was    vindicated    and 
Martin  got  his  lobster  again. 


103.  Alex  S.  Carlson  of  Syracuse,  once 
served  on  a  jury.  After  the  jury  had  re- 
tired and  the  matter  was  under  discussion 
one  of  the  men  addressed  Carlson  and  said: 

"If  I  understand  the  matter  right  the  plain- 
tiff doesn't  ask  damages  for  blighted  affec- 
tions or  anything  of  that  sort,  but  only  wants 
to  get  back  what  he  spent  on  presents,  pleas- 
ure and  trips  and  so  forth." 

"That  is  so,"   said   Carlson. 

"Well,  then,  I  vote  we  give  him  back  his 
money,*'  came  the  reply  of  the  man  address- 
ing Carlson.  But  Carlson  had  other  ideas 
and  said: 

"I  am  not  in  favor  of  giving  him  a  penny. 
If  all  the  fun  he  had  with  that  girl  don't 
cover  the  amount  he  spent  it  must  have  been 
his  own  fault.  Gentlemen,  I  courted  that  girl 
once  myself,  so  I  know." 


104.  A.  T.  Bryson  of  Lexington,  Ken- 
tucky, once  fell  into  a  state  of  coma,  but 
fortunately  awakened  before  his  friends 
buried  him.  The  excitement  was  intense. 
One  of  his  friends  asked  him  how  it  felt  to 
be  dead. 

"Dead!"  he  exclaimed,  "I  wasn't  dead. 
And  I  knew  I  wasn't  dead,  because  my  feet 
were  cold,  and  I  was  hungry." 

"But  how  did  that  make  you  sure?"  they 
asked. 

62 


"Well,"  he  said,  "I  knew  that  if  I  were  in 
Heaven  I  shouldn't  be  hungry,  and  if  1  was 
in  Hell,  my  feet  would  not  have  been  cold.'* 


105.  They  tell  the  following  on  W.  L. 
Eubanks  of  Lexington.  It  seemed  that  he 
had  met  a  young  lady  and  had  asked  her  to 
permit  him  to  call  upon  her.  This  she  did 
and  upon  his  arriving  at  her  home  was 
seated  in  the  parlor  awaiting  her  coming. 
Instead  of  the  young  lady  her  mother  came 
in,  and  in  a  very  grave,  stern  voice  asked 
him  what  his  intentions  were. 

Greatly  confused  he  turned  red  and  began 
to  stammer  some  incoherent  reply  when  sud- 
denly the  young  lady  called  from  the  head  of 
the  stairs  and  said: 

"Mamma,    mamma,   that  is  not  the  one!" 


106.  L.  S.  Pinkney  of  Marlin,  Texas,  was 
one   day   asked   by   a    friend   how   his   football 
team   had   come   out   in  a    recent   game. 

"Rotten!"  he  said.  "It  has  been  beaten 
by  everything  on  the  map  except  the  Colonial 
Dames." 

107.  Leslie  P.   Grant  of  Stamford,  N.   Y., 
one    vacation    worked    in    a    dry    goods    store 
for  a  peculiar  old  Scotchman,  who  was  strong 
on  the  Bible.     Whenever  one  of  his  employees 
did   something   that  he   thought  a   little   ques- 
tionable,   he   made    him    justify    his    act    by    a 
quotation    from    the    Bible,    or    else    leave    the 
place. 

63 


One  day  a  woman  called  to  purchase  a 
piece  of  dress  goods,  and  after  looking  at 
nearly  every  piece  of  material  in  the  place, 
he  said  that  he  had  a  better  piece  of  goods 
in  the  back  of  the  store.  Away  he  went  and 
upon  his  return  showed  her  a  piece  of  goods 
she  had  already  looked  at.  He  spoke  of  the 
superiority  of  this  piece  over  anything  else 
she  had  seen,  and  stated  that  it  was  worth 
fifty  cents  more  a  yard.  She  said  she  could 
readily  see  it,  and  ordered  liberally  of  it. 

The  transaction  finally  reached  the  ears 
of  his  employer,  who  informed  Grant  that  he 
must  find  a  Bible  quotation  to  justify  his  act. 

"How  is  this?"  he  said:  "She  was  a 
stranger,  and  I  took  her  in." 


1 08.  George  A.  Grover  of  Toronto  was 
one  day  passing  a  group  of  boys  in  a  circle 
with  a  dog  in  the  center.  He  stopped  and 
asked  them  what  they  were  doing  to  the  dog. 

"Whoever  tells  the  biggest  lie  wins  him," 
a  kid  informed  him. 

"I  am  surprised  at  you  boys,  for  when  I 
was  your  age  1  never  told  a  lie,"  replied 
Grover. 

There  was  a  silence  for  a  moment,  then 
one  of  the  little  fellows  spoke  up  and  said: 
"Give  him  the  dog." 


109.      Judge    Patrick    Keeler    of    Brooklyn 

one    evening    had    as    his    guests    a    Catholic 

priest  and  a  Jewish  rabbi.      Both  guests  were 

witty    and    full    of    fun.       During    the    evening 

64 


the  priest  leaned  towards  the  rabbi  and  said: 
"Rabbi    Levi,    when   are   you    going   to    be- 
come liberal  enough  to  eat  ham?" 

"At   your   wedding,    Father   Kelley,"    came 
the  quick  reply. 


1  1  0.  One  day  a  somewhat  critical  attor- 
ney who  had  been  beaten  by  Wm.  L.  Bel- 
knap  of  Bridgeport,  Conn.,  asked  him: 

"Is  there  any  case  so  low,  so  foul,  so  vilely 
crooked  and  shameful  that  you'd  refuse  it?" 

"Well,  I  don't  know,"  Belknap  replied. 
"What  have  you  been  up  to  now?" 


111.  F.  W.  McKowne  of  Buffalo  one  time 
was  being  shown  through  an  insane  asylum. 
In  one  ward  he  noticed  an  unusually  bright 
appearing  fellow  playing  billiards  alone. 
Thinking  he  might  help  the  fellow  enjoy  the 
game,  he  offered  to  play,  giving  him  odds  of 
40  to  100.  This  was  done,  but  the  inmate 
beat  him  by  a  big  margin.  As  he  started  to 
leave  the  inmate  spoke  up  and  said: 

"If  you  go  about  giving  odds  like  that 
they'll  have  you  in  here  with  me."  That's 
why  McKowne  takes  no  chances  now. 


112.  H.  P.  Hostetter  of  Mt.  Carroll,  Illi- 
nois,  tells  about  a  discussion  that  a  party 
of  men  he  was  with  got  into  one  time.  The 
question  of  who  the  greatest  inventor  was 
was  being  discussed.  One  said  Edison,  an- 
other Watt,  another  Morse  and  so  forth,  when 
65 


the  only  Jew  in  the  party  spoke  up  and  said: 
"Veil,    chentlemen,    dose    was    great    mens, 
but  I  tells  you  dot  man  wat  invented  interest 
was  no   slouch." 


113.  James  J.  Trickey  of  Iowa  Falls 
once  dropped  into  a  country  church  to  listen 
to  the  preacher.  In  a  burst  of  passionate 
eloquence  in  denunciation  of  the  world's 
wickedness  he  declared: 

"Hell  is  full  of  cocktails,  highballs,  and 
peek-aboo  waists  I" 

This  was  too  much  for  Trickey,  who 
shouted  out  loud:  "Oh,  Death!  where  is  thy 
sting!" 


I  1 4.  Sam  Charlson  of  Lake  Mills,  Iowa» 
was  once  asked  to  say  a  few  words  to  a 
country  Sunday  school.  In  introducing  him 
the  superintendent  said: 

"This,  children,  is  Mr.  Charlson  from  Lake 
Mills.  Children,  he  has  come  all  the  way  to 
try  to  lift  your  souls  from  hell.  You  are  not 
paying  attention.  Now,  can  any  little  boy  or 
girl  tell  me  where  this  gentleman  is  from?" 

"From  hell,"   came  a   chorus  of  voices. 


115.  Samuel  P.  Coy  opened  a  law  office 
in  San  Bernardino.  He  was  fortunate  in  his 
business  and  incidentally  invested  in  an  of- 
fice boy.  Almost  the  first  thing  Coy  told 
him  to  do  was  to  tell  a  certain  party  if  he 
called  that  he  had  gone  to  Europe.  Soon 
after  this  the  boy  reported  to  Coy  that  Mr. 
66 


Stewart   had    called    that    morning. 

"Did  you  tell  him  I  had  gone  to  Europe, 
as  I  told  you  to  do,  Edward?" 

"Yes  sir,"  answered  Edward.  "I  told  him 
you  started  this  morning." 

"That's  a  good  boy.  What  did  he  say, 
Edward,  to  that?" 

"He  wanted  to  know  when  you'd  be  back," 
replied  Edward,  "and  I  told  him  after  lunch." 


1  1  6.  Recently  when  Pierson  W.  Banning 
was  in  New  York  City,  he  got  into  a  Fifth 
avenue  bus  one  day.  Across  from  him  sat 
George  Cohan  and  Eddie  Foy,  though  he  did 
not  at  first  notice  nor  recognize  them. 

Foy  said  to  Cohan:  "Who  is  that  fat, 
loudly  dressed  man  that  just  came  in,  with 
the  seal  ring  and  diamonds  on  him?  I  don't 
like  that  fellow's  looks  and  I'm  going  to 
make  him  get  off  the  bus  before  we  reach 
Madison  Square." 

"All   right,   Eddie,"   said   Cohan,    calmly. 

Foy  fixed  his  gaze  on  Banning's  fat  hands 
and  a  change  came  over  his  face.  His  eyes 
became  dull  and  staring.  His  jaw  hung  slack 
and  loose. 

"Me  want  ring!"  he  shouted,  suddenly,  and 
he  pointed  to  Banning's  hands,  and  at  the 
same  time  jumped  up  and  down  in  his  seat 
and  waggled  his  elbows  up  and  down  in  the 
air,  just  like  a  baby.  "Ring!  Me  want 
ring!" 

Cohan  took  the  cue  at  once:  "Hide  your 
hands,"  he  said,  quickly  to  Banning.  "Your 
rings  bother  him." 

67 


Banning  frowned  uneasily  but  would  not 
hide  his  hands. 

"Ring!  Ring  I  Me  want  ring!"  repeated 
Foy,  and  Cohan  as  he  strove  to  hold  his 
friend  still,  said: 

"Don't   give  him  a   ring!" 

"Huh!  I  guess  I  won't!"  growled  Ban- 
ning. "Give  him  a  ring,  indeed!"  and  he 
looked  at  his  hands  complacently. 

Foy's  eyes  were  now  shining.  His  face 
was  red  and  contorted.  He  hopped  up  and 
down  and  waggled  his  arms  more  vehemently 
than  ever.  "Me  want  ring!"  he  roared. 
"Ring!  Ring!  Ring!" 

"For  heaven's  sake,"  said  Cohan,  "hide 
your  hands,  man.  Don't  you  see  you're 
bringing  on  a  spell?  Hide  your  hands  or  by 
heavens  I  won't  be  responsible  for  the  con- 
sequences.** 

A  little  pale  by  now,  Banning  reluctantly 
put  both  his  hands  behind  his  back.  "This 
is  the  limit,"  he  said,  appealing  to  the  other 
passengers.  "Idiots  riding  in  omnibuses! 
Isn't  that  the  limit,  friends?" 

But  Foy  leaped  to  his  feet.  "Ring!"  he 
roared,  and  he  leaned  on  Banning's  shoul- 
ders. "Give  rne  ring!" 

Cohan  now  seemed  to  lose  all  patience. 
"Oh,  hang  it,"  he  said,  "give  him  a  ring  or 
two  and  let  us  have  some  peace.  Can't  you 
see  I've  lost  my  power  over  him?" 

But  Banning,  tearing  his  pudgy  hands  from 
the  persistent  Foy's  grasp,  rose  and  ran  full 
tilt  for  the  door. 

"Conductor,    stop!"    he    shouted. 

And  he  leaped  off  two  blocks  before  Mad- 
ison   Square    was    reached. 
68 


1  1 6.  (Xie  evening  the  Chicago  Kent 
Chapter  of  the  Delta  Chi  fraternity  was  hav- 
ing an  initiation  in  one  of  the  halls  used  for 
that  purpose  by  a  number  of  fraternities. 
During  the  course  of  the  evening  someone 
looking  for  the  meeting  place  of  the  I  Phelta 
Thi  fraternity,  came  to  the  door  by  mistake, 
and  rapped  long  and  loud.  Finally  the  wicket 
was  opened  and  a  face  appeared  on  the  in- 
side. Promptly  the  man  gave  the  pass  words 
of  the  I  Phelta  Thi's:  "I  plow;  I  spade;  I 
hoe." 

The  man  on  the  inside  of  the  door  gazed 
through  the  wicket  for  a  moment  in  blank 
amazement.  Then  he  slowly  ejaculated: 
"The  devil  you  do  I" 

The  I  Phelta  Thi  man  wandered  back  to 
the  hotel  in  anything  but  a  happy  frame  of 
mind.  It  required  about  half  an  hour  to 
convince  himself  that  he  had  stumbled  into 
the  wrong  fraternity.  The  next  morning  he 
met  several  of  the  men  of  his  fraternity  and 
told  his  experience. 

They  were  alarmed.  **Why,  man,  what 
have  you  done!  Don't  you  see  you  have 
given  away  our  pass  words!"  they  cried. 

"Never  mind,"  he  replied,  "I  found  out 
theirs." 


69 


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